My Comment on “I Slept with your Husband”

(A very dear friend forwarded Anonymous’ post to me, and I was moved by what Anonymous had written for several reasons, including the fact that she received a witch-hunt worth of hate mail from people who clearly didn’t “get it” [and probably don’t…] a secure well-adjusted person with an active, happy sex life does not get that easily threatened).

I hear you, and I get you. Your headline caught my eye, because more than twenty years ago, my wife made the same choice you did, and look where it led her…we have three wonderful children together, and about four months ago, fell back in Love…Madly in Love, for the fourth time since we met. She followed her heart. No one can judge, but be careful what you wish for….Someday the glove may be on the other hand. Since you already know you can’t possess him, if you want to keep him then pleasure him, and give him his freedom so he always wants to come back.

At the time that we started the affair, I did not know my former wife was cheating on me, and I felt guilty for embracing the Irresistible Force. In retrospect, Karma had led me where I was supposed to be. Once we made that decision, we also made a commitment to each other to embrace Polyamory. Now we don’t have to cheat. What we do instead is to encourage each other to honestly and joyously pursue everything from cheap thrills, perversions, and provocations to flirts, infatuations, crushes and sometimes even genuine Love and Friendship, which we share freely. It is a great source of strength. We have no need for secrets.

We started as swingers, but soon realized that we did not have to fear extramarital Love any more than we had to fear extramarital sex…extramarital Love was much scarier at first, but in the end, was far more rewarding.

I was quite impressed by the fact that you recognize that you have a part of him that you love that needs to be loved, and that you also realize that you can no more possess him than she can. She may have the home field advantage, but he hits those line drives deep into center field for you. You don’t have to deal with the everyday stressors that can kill even the most vibrant of relationships, but you also don’t get to cuddle late on Sunday mornings. In that sense, the playing field is level. If you continue undiscovered, no one really encroaches on the other’s territory…maybe no one will get hurt. There are no guarantees to anything. My ex-wife did me a favor, including absolving my guilt.

I wish you the very best. Follow your heart. I hope you learn as much from your mistakes as from your successes. There is no free lunch. The opening of your post sounded like it could have been written by a very dear friend, for whom I also wish that her every desire should be fulfilled.

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