The Modern Deviants: Interviewing an “Assistant”.

My spouse and I are back “In Love” again. This is, I believe, the fourth time in more than twenty years. Each time we do, it just gets better. OK, we’re getting older…who knows how many good years we have left? Right?

Each time we get better at it, because instead of having to re-learn everything all over again with someone new, we just do an Etch-a-Sketch Dance and start over with each other. I’m really not fucking kidding…it sounds glib, and I suppose it is, but then again, who of us Multiple Marriage Survivors (sequentially, of course…sort of….) can say that? Take it from me, I was married four times before I met her, and was engaged to future ex-wife number five by the time we fell in love. Everyone thinks we are crazy, but…I was determined to prove it was easier to fix it than to fuck it, as long as you started with the right partner.

Of course, in order to Rise like the Phoenix, we had to Dive into the Fire. The process itself seems to require some sort of cataclysmic event to occur within the relationship. Anything short of physically jumping into a Real Volcano can be survived.

We had to reach the point where most couples would have divorced, only to discover that we could not financially afford to do it, so we decided to negotiate peaceful coexistence, but without any vengeance. We had both seen the War of the Roses, and knew we were better than that, but it took experiencing a Crush of Adolescent Proportions to bring both of us to our senses.

The Intoxicating Infatuation we had once experienced together, (usually the exclusive Domain of Teenagers…) was revealing herself to me…and I so greatly wanted to share it with She Who Had Once Been My Goddess, that as my feelings for My Crush grew, I became more irresolute in my obsession to share that with My Former Very Best Friend. The reality and truth of these experiences are still unfolding as we speak. We are taking the first steps toward resolution. We are both fanatically committed to each other’s mutual satisfaction. I am a bit blissed out by it, so I may tend to digress worse than usual. (This blog seems to require more prologue than most to properly set up the story.)

If most people could actually see what their life would be like after they got divorced, I doubt that they would do it. But Love Rediscovered is undoubtedly the rarest commodity on the planet, and it seems like most people would rather run away from facing their Illusions, so they could just live in denial somewhere else. The thing is that we already know where all the bodies are hidden…we are not spotless, and it is not eternal, but we have learned how to set it all aside…hit the Reset button, clean out the attic, the basement, the garage, the closets, have a giant yard sale, kiss the old, bad memories goodbye and send them on their way, like ungovernable children to military school. But this time, we are keeping a map of the squeaky floorboards, weak railings, roof leaks, broken steps, potholes in the yard and other hazards already known and acknowledged by both of us.

We decided it was easier to forgive than to have to forget. Amnesty wins over Amnesia.

We are also crossing over from Swinging, and other forms of Open Marriage that presuppose that it is entirely Improper and Wrong and Dangerous to engage in anything more engaging than shallow, “Purely Physical” Adventures (as if anything Deeper or more meaningful might jeopardize our Franchise)…and into Polyamory.

We finally decided that we both preferred to also share Love and Friendship with the people we are fucking, and in one case so far, try fucking the people we already know and Love. Compared to Swinging, it really does narrow the field a great deal, but as a theoretical construct, it just makes sense…Seduce the heart, and the mind (and body) will follow. If you do not delude yourself by thinking it is meaningless, perhaps some meaning and purpose will reveal itself to you, all by itself. Just let it happen. You can’t force it now any more than you could when you fell in love the first time. Just be open and It will come to you.

In addition, and also in the meantime, we decided to seek the assistance of what might hopefully be a long-term facilitator for playful friendship. Someone to help us tickle each other’s fancy….

(Swinging was sooooo much easier….) MORE TO COME LATER….

First, “I would pray this smoke shall carry my words straight to Heaven, so there should be no lies between us…”

So I guess the future really IS now after all, at least to read my text, because “later” is (now) NOW…to [mis]quote a Kadak Shaman…the digressions continue.

Soooooo, it was mutually agreed that my wife should do the interviewing, partly because she has more free time, partly because she is very good at recognizing incompatible “agendas”, and mostly because she is charming and much more socially engaging than I. She makes friends easily, is outgoing, and men and women both respond very positively to her. I am more of an “acquired taste”, that requires time and patience to fully appreciate, like scotch whiskey, cigars, or anal sex.

To us, Human Sexuality is a vast and fluid landscape, like an amusement park for all our naughty parts and thoughts, as well as our most noble and elevated emotions and intentions. Either of us are as likely as the other to trade roles or indulge each other to try on new “hats” (or other costumes).

Our general rule of thumb is No Scat, No Blood, No Children, which leaves a lot of latitude for experimentation and exploration.

She has several profiles out on sites that cater to what formerly was the exclusive domain of newspaper “Classified Ads”. Where one of my sites might yield a half-dozen hits a week, she often receives several dozen inquiries a day. I trust her judgment implicitly, and she is very capable of protecting herself, if need be, but it has never come to that. She has very strong Mojo.

For this reason, we will be jointly contributing to regular features here as a sort of byline, which may get its own page or heading, or whatever. (MORE TO COME).

Now the really interesting idea (If I was writing this as a screenplay) is this: my spouse and  My Crush have never met, or even spoken over the phone, but she has taken no small offense to things that should remain unspoken in fairness to all parties, even though I was completely honest and open in disclosing events as they were occurring, and in truth  we have long passed that point in terms of the development of our relationship….

A really devious sort of person (say the Lead Male in this imaginary screenplay) might be tempted to encourage Ms. Crush to seek My Goddess via one of her classifieds, and arrange a “meet and greet” so they could get to know each other on neutral ground. They are both what I would call “a woman’s woman” in that they both genuinely like other women; they don’t normally treat them like adversaries or competition. They both have amazing senses of humor, and I am sure they could be the very best of friends (in my imaginary screenplay) if they just had the chance, but this is not a screenplay, this is my life in real time…(as far as I can tell right now) and I am somewhat ambivalent about subterfuge, even with the best of intentions, when it involves someone who needs to trust me implicitly as much as I do her. But in a novel or a screenplay, this would be a brilliant turn of events, even if “His” duplicity was discovered, only to complicate the plot and further masturbate the reader/viewer.

But, as it turns out, this is where my life IS like a screenplay, since I already know she will be the first to read this, as she is not only my Publicist, she is also my Biggest Fan. In fact, it was She who suggested I write on this subject for us, to get the process in motion.

I wake up every morning thinking I am the Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth, and she spends all day doing everything she can to prove me right…and I do the same for her. The Willing Suspension of Disbelief. We support each other’s delusions well enough that they are no longer delusions at all.

It is Never Wrong for anyone to tell another Human “I love you.”

At this point, I will be signing off. Time to go to bed, to sleep. My spouse, My Goddess is in Los Angeles, visiting family and friends, and having the time of our lives there for both of us, experiencing, growing, and gaining wisdom, and will have much to post for the next installment of “The Modern Deviants”.

I really am the Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth.

15 Responses to “The Modern Deviants: Interviewing an “Assistant”.”

  1. Dear Dreamlanddancing,
    Wow what a Fantastic Relationship you have with your Wife. You have something EXTREMELY RARE and UNCOMMON. Although I have not experienced many long term relationships. I have NEVER observed anything as you mentioned. Those close to me in a LTR are bitter, angry, and unhappy. I believe they remain in their relationship’s because it’s like an old worn slipper. And the thought of seeking out yet another partner would reveal their short “cumings” that would not be “attractive”, or appealing to the opposite sex. It certainly sounds like you Both are Deeply In Love, and Encourage each other to explore. Sounds to me like you both Pervoke the Perverse in each other. I’m intrigued, and looking forward for more to Cum.
    Your Friend,
    Anastasia

  2. Wow, hello. Just signed in and then saw you’ve been reading. Thank you.
    So, I read your “About” last night and this post this morning. I have to say that you speak on relative “exercises” of emotional expansion, growth, or perceptions that I have traversed over the last few years. I’m not polyamorous ( I had to look that up to know exactly what you meant). I have reached a point where blame doesn’t exist and where taking things personally isn’t the knee jerk reaction it used to be. BUT, in the two posts I’ve read so far, I wonder how you can travel the waters of two or more, people “in love” with you. This may very well be me looking in from the outside and only going to that place, do you find the answers, but I can’t resolve the gymnastics your mind would go through. I, the inexperienced, imagine that your marriage would be priority and even though, accepted by the other, has to hold a secondary existence, even though loved and respected. THAT dynamic point seems freeing yes in the reality but like a wound that doesn’t heal, always there. That sounds too dramatic but thats where the limit lies, no? The second love does come second and maybe thats just the rub. It has to also be what can polish the heart at the same time. You’re very interesting…and I see you’re a thinker or a talker… I know I have to sit and have time for your posts. : ) thanks, Jayne

    • It was only a few days ago that I learned that the word “nostalgia” comes from the Greek, meaning “to feel the pain of an old wound”…(or something like that).
      Jealousy can mean a lot of things to different people. I find the circumstances that provoke what is commonly identified as jealousy to be exhilarating…an old friend of ours has recently developed a serious crush for my wife, Suki, declaring unbridled admiration and Love…when you stop and think about it, what a glorious turn of events. She is quite flattered, and we both believe that our abilities to effect the lives of others deeply and profoundly is truly “the gift that keeps on giving.”
      Whether it involves just curious sexual exploration, or deeper emotions, acknowledgement, appreciation, and joy are among the many happy outcomes that are possibilities to be realized, if we choose them.
      I REALLY liked your use of the word “rub” in the context you presented it, and in my case, that was exactly what occurred…for all parties involved. For some, it is not easy, and if you find the time and inclination to read “Dancing in Dreamland” you will see just how difficult it was for me…and yet it was a natural progression just the same.
      Jung was quoted as saying that there can be no growth without pain…and there is a definite aspect of “sweet pain” that we may choose to embrace…”the road of excess leads us largely to the palace of wisdom”
      “Pleased to meet you…hope you guessed my name….”

      • That “sweet pain”, if I’m getting t right, is a point reached passed the average comfort zone. Doing that military crawl through the difficult emotions does lead to a place of harmony, no? I think that’s what I saw in your writing so far, and what I see I’ve achieved in divorce. I also find that others don’t understand and stay in a place of known judgement instead of seeing that real growth has happened and IS ACHIEVABLE. It’s like you have to bear the “lower vibration” to reach a higher one. Time for more coffee. It’s hard for me to imagine how you do that and maintain a healthy mindset with loving and sex…it must be a reflection on my own limitations and perceptions. I’ll go read your post you mentioned. Something that sticks out in my mind is the act of allowing. I think that is key. Allowing things to occur. Allowing feelings to surface. Allowing things to be what they will be. It’s that “allowing” that carried me to a new perception of being – in different relationships.

      • Well, yes…in submission it is possible to achieve a definite euphoria…like what is achieved in exercise, like running (or sex) when you break through that pain barrier, and the endorphins kick in…there are ways to do that emotionally as well…you can hit a wall with jealousy…but if you break through that barrier, a whole new world of possibilities opens up like a fresh oyster laid bare on a shell.

        Jealousy is a complex emotion…it is a compound made up of fear, insecurity, and envy predominantly, if you stop to think about it. What makes it exhilarating is that once you strip the negative emotions away, there is something else left…fearlessness…and validation and appreciation of allowing…of granting others something that is already inherently theirs…one of my themes in my writing is the concept of “taking it back”…whatever it is that was yours before you were born.

        That feeling…just realizing how much and how deeply you care for someone…knowing that we are all following a path that will take us where we are supposed to be, and doing it with loving determination is what empowers us, and strengthens us. It allows others to provide us with a satiation of our most voyeuristic curiosities…of what that other person is like, acting upon their nature, independently of us, and yet for our eyes as well.

        There is just so much more to this…I feel inspired to respond to a chord you have resonated…that is common to all of us. Perhaps the subject of my next blog.
        BTW: your piece on denial really has me thinking…time to write tonight.

      • What I questioned in your piece was really the perspective you must have to be as open as you described with polyamorous behavior, which , to me is you and your partner must be aware that either of you may find a closer “match” to themselves and with that possibility, you must be accepting and open in the way you love. Your love must be grander than most, must be bigger and more accepting and more sacrificing than most. Do I have that right?
        I’m so anxious to read what your thinking in regards to my post.

      • Yes. Absolutely…but you have to have faith in that love, that the match is strong enough to allow the one you love (you called the “primary”) the opportunity to explore, because that exploration reinforces the fact that you believe they will always return, at least eventually. YOU HAVE TO LOVE FEARLESSLY, and that in itself is exhilarating beyond your wildest dreams.

        You have to love enough to realize that IF they did find a better, or more perfect match, that you will still love them, and wish them well. The love you feel is your choice, not just a reflection or “payback”…love with no expectations. I believe that true acts of kindness and selflessness are best when they are anonymous, because that means you did not expect to bask in the glory of their expressions of thanks for something selfless. Love is the same way.

        By giving and being the very best you can be, you preclude taking your significant other for granted. I re-blogged your post on Denial because it spoke so eloquently about allowing ourselves to be denied ourselves because of pressure from others we try to please, instead of sacrificing. When we sacrifice, we give without denial…its a kind of unconditional generosity that does not have to be reciprocated, but then again, when it is, you get the clues you need to know that you can take that generosity one more step further…each day.

        It also embraces the idea of the inevitability of the course of events in our lives to follow their nature…If you love fearlessly today, and it eventually leads you away from where you thought you were headed, it is still taking you wherever you are supposed to be…I have said more than once “If you have to kiss a hundred toads to find a prince…well you better pucker up and get to it.

        It is unreasonable to assume that we will get all our needs, strength and inspiration from one person…and it is also exhausting to try…sometimes others help provide a new spark…an inspiration…or strength that we take back with us to our “primary”.

        And yes, Jayne it is bigger, and more glorious…and it keeps getting better. I was married five times before I met Suki. How’s that for faith in Love? We made each other an offer we couldn’t refuse…and we keep on doing it.

        I can’t thank you enough for asking these questions, because they help me to better express my ideas in a concrete way that will hopefully resonate in others. I hope that helps clarify.

        I once wrote that a poem is like a note in a bottle cast off from a desert island into a sea of humanity, awaiting reply. Your words and questions inspire me. I look forward to reading your other posts as well. I assume we can re-blog each other freely. I like the way you think…and the way you express yourself.
        Chazz

      • I feel as you do on the points you made here. It does go back to Buddhist ideas of living in the present and impermanence.
        I thank you for answering my questions. Through your experiences, I learn.
        Reblog whatever you like. I get tickled with excitement when something I feel/wrote resonates with someone else – even if it’s in some way I didn’t mean.I write because I’m trying to understand myself amidst all these words flying around my head like a buzz of bees. Reading yours and other writer’s words just eases the learning curve.: ) It’s all good and interesting – mind expanding. I appreciate your feedback. Thank you, Jayne

      • You are most welcome. See you in Dreamland.

    • One more thing to ponder…I have recently come to realize that to be the “second” lover is a rare and wonderful privilege when the “first” relationship is strong in both parties’ primary liaison. You get the thrill of the tryst, but you don’t get Sunday mornings in bed over coffee, but you also don’t have to argue over money. It’s the balance that can be so appealing when things are right. Some things are not easy, but it is the give and take of it that keeps things dynamic, and yet stable.

      • I can see that…but if you truly fall in love, you are outside looking in, no? That’s where the 2nd would have to hold themselves to boundaries and NOT give ALL of themselves to that person. That seems no different to me than having an affair, knowing you aren’t going to have that sweet part of that person. Maybe, in my inexperience, I don’t understand the dynamic. The idea of polyamorous living sounds great – as long as everyone remains pretty much in their lane: ) It sounds like “open marriage”. Is it?

      • No…that is why I call it fearless…to take the Great Leap of Faith…into the void, without concern for consequences…even knowing that there will be…accepting the inevitability of those resolutions.

        Allowing yourself to feel spontaneously and genuinely…believe it, and make it so. Falling in Love usually involves running off the rails in the first place. We equate Love and Ownership and Possessiveness, but it does not have to be that way at all. You can give or take everything in the moment“and still not cry when it’s time to go”…or if you need to, cry, and savor that sweet pain…until the next time.

        Believe that as long as you are still alive, there will be more next times….

      • I intellectually understand and since I’ve lived a little, I can do that – I THINK I could. To live that way now would feel like the first time you ride a bike with no training wheels. It could occur You’ve said it so clearly with the “pitfalls of sadness included so I can see it working.

  3. by the way – forgive me if I ask or inquire on areas that may be personal or undefined or private. I don’t expect answers – I just ponder.

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