The Talking Monkeys: The Script

The Talking Monkeys: “Good Morning, Welcome to PharmaCorp…”

“Good Morning…”

“Good Afternoon…”

“Good Evening…”

“My name is Charles…”

“My name is Jeff…”

“My name is Gina…”

“My name is Brittany…”

“My name is Mike…”

“My name is Ron…”

“ My name is Vicki…”

“My name is Tina…”

“My name is Tyrone…”

“My name is Don…”

“My name is [your name here]…”

“…and I’m a Prescription Benefits Specialist for PharmaCorp…”

“…and this call may be monitored and recorded…”

“…for quality assurance…”

“…for your protection…”

May I please speak with [target name here]?”

“We’re the program administrators for your prescription drug plan benefits for [Provider Name Here]…”

“…and I am a resource for helping you make the best use of your existing prescription benefit options.”

“I have two benefits that I would like to discuss with you today.”

“…and in order to protect your privacy, we always have to be sure we’re speaking with the right person.”

“I see you’re born in the month of [state month here]…”

“…Would you please verify the day and the year?

“Thank you.”

“One of your benefits is you do have the option of having your prescription medications delivered directly to your home from our pharmacy…”

“…and I see one of your most recent refills was for [state name of drug]…”

“…it was last filled on [date of fill]…”

“…for a [# of days] supply of [# of pills]…”

“…are you still taking that medication?”

“I see it was prescribed by Dr. [name of physician] in [name of city].”

“Now when you purchased that medication at [name of pharmacy]…”

“…you paid [state retail cost of medication]…”

“…and PharmaCorp can send you up to a ninety-day supply of [state quantity]…”

“…for only [state cost]…”

“…and send it to your home about ten days before your next scheduled refill date…”

“…so you have it in plenty of time before your next refill…”

“…we also have automatic refill of your medications available at no extra cost…”

“…or you can order any medication as needed if you prefer…”

“…and in either case, there is no additional cost for standard shipping…”

“…and no additional service fees or hidden costs of any kind…”

“To make it even easier for you to take advantage of this benefit…”

“…with your permission, we can contact your Doctor by fax to request authorization for up to a ninety-day supply, as well as three refills, so your prescription is good for up to a year…”

“We have similar savings on other medications, and I would be happy to go over those savings with you as well…”

“Does that sound like something in which you would be interested?”

Now that was pretty much the script verbatim, and if you knew what was good for you, you memorized it as quickly as possible so well that you start to repeat it in your sleep…so well that very little of anything above brainstem activity is required to repeat it flawlessly…with or without…interruption, so that you can manipulate two main programs running on different screens, that have several sub-programs each, transferring data by copy-and-paste to provide the specifics of the script as you are reciting it.

All the while, you have to be prepared for numerous interruptions, interjections, objections and diatribes from the target, because these objections will provide you with the key as to how to sell that target…they think that their objections are exposing your weaknesses, but in fact, they are telling you what you need to address in order to get them to roll over and give it up.

Now listen to the same script, as it might be heard on any given day or night, in the midst of an island of twenty cubicles in two rows of ten. Imagine listening to the sheer vastness of what initially sounds like an unintelligible tsunami of words overwhelming you, and carrying you away, as fragments of sounds begin to take shape into recognizable words and phrases:

 “Good Morning…”

“Is it five yet?”

“Good Afternoon…”

“Who wants to split a calzone?”

“Good Evening…”

“Can anybody break a ten?”

“My name is Charles…”

“Has anybody seen…[name a movie]?

“My name is Jeff…”

“What’s the Spanish word for ‘jerk-off’?”

“…I don’t know, probably ‘Jeff’…no, seriously…”

“Hello, my name is Gina…”

“Hey, I heard a joke…what’s the difference between…?”

“My name is [your name here]…”

“…a pick-pocket and a peeping Tom?”

“What happens if somebody takes you to court and gets a judgment against you?”

“Hi, my name is Vicki…”

“…a pick-pocket snatches watches…”

“…and I’m a Prescription Benefits Specialist for PharmaCorp…”

“…Can they garnish your wages?”

“What’s the difference between a women’s track team and a tribe of Pygmies?”

“…and this call may be monitored and recorded…”

“No, but they can get a judgment against you, and put a lien on your house, or anything of substantial value…”

“Hello, my name is Charles…”

“…the Pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts…”

“…for quality assurance…”

“….and take it from you?”

“Hey, I heard one…two Jews walked into a pharmacy…No, seriously…I keed…I keed….” (Done in a Mid-Eastern Dialect)

“ Hello, my name is Mike….”

“…for your protection…”

“…Hey what happened to Sandra?”

“Good Afternoon, My name is Don…”

“…for your protection…”

“Here’s a good one…Dr. Peter Cockbern…Urology!

“…You didn’t hear?”

“No, but if you try to sell it, they have to be paid before you get your money…”

“No…”

“I just got off the phone with Mei Hung Lo…”

May I please speak with [target name here]?”

“Has anyone else spoken with a Phat Ho?

“…for Quality Assurance…”

“…Third arrest for DUI…she’s in county…”

“I need to take money out of my 401-K…”

“We’re the program administrators for your prescription drug plan benefits for [Provider Name Here]…”

“…so I guess she won’t be in the talent show next week…”

“…Is there a penalty for that?”

“A guy just told me he was Jack Kanoff…”

“…and I am a resource for helping you make the best use of your existing prescription benefit options.”

“…not likely…”

“How old are you?”

“…in order to protect your privacy…”

“You said your name is Tsay Nguyen…? (pronounced ‘Say When’)

“I have two benefits that I would like to discuss with you today.”

“Fifty-two, why?”

“May I please speak with Harry Kuntz?” (She pronounces it with a long ‘U’ to no avail…) “…that’s Kuntz?” (pronounced with a short ‘u’…remember…she can’t laugh).

“…for your convenience…”

“…Makes you think maybe God really loves Music after all…she couldn’t hit a high note to save her life…”

“…and in order to protect your privacy, we always have to be sure we’re speaking with the right person.”

“If you’re under sixty-one and a half, there’s a penalty…”

“You said you’re Dick Kurtz?”

“I see you’re born in the month of [state month here]…”

“…Hell, her voice is even lower than mine…”

“…but you can borrow against it…”

“Is there Amanda Huggenkis there?”

“Well the whiskey and the cigarettes don’t help any…”

“…at your convenience…”

“May I speak with Mike Hunt?”

“…Would you please verify the day and the year?

“…even if I need money now…how am I going to pay it back later?”

“…you do have the option…”

“Who’s watching her kids?”

“Ben Dover?…Ninja Please!

 “…my name is Tyrone…”

“Thank you.”

“What were their parents thinking?”

“…for your safety…”                                

“I think they give you a year’s forbearance or something to catch up…”

“…Children and Family Services, until her mom came down from Tennessee…”

“Hello, my name is Ron…”

“One of your benefits is you do have is the option of having your prescription medications delivered directly to your home from our pharmacy…”

“Yeah…like next year is going to be any better….”

“…Too bad…I love her kids…but I fuckin’ hate Karaoke…”

“…at no extra charge…”

“Well keep in mind…Hung Wang does not mean the same thing in Korean…”

“…and I see one of your most recent refills was for [state name of drug]…”

“…I’ll just be grateful if it’s not worse…”

“…Didn’t you guys date for a while last year?”

“…it was last filled on [date of fill]…”

“What’s Chlamydia?”

“Good afternoon, my name is Jeff…”

“…yeah, until her psycho ex-husband got out of prison…”

“…for a [# of days] supply of [# of pills]…”

“You mean that street in West Palm where all the clubs are?”

“Hello, my name is Tyrone…”

“…and came down here on a stolen motorcycle…”

“…and I am a resource…”

“…no, that’s Clematis…your wife gave you VD?”

“…are you still taking that medication?”

“…No…my wife said she got it at the city pool, while the kids were learning to swim…”

“…until they extradited him back, after he violated…”

“…for your safety and protection…”

“I see it was prescribed by Dr. [name of physician] in [name of city].”

“…Yeah…maybe if she fucked one of the lifeguards…”

“Hello, my name is Josh.”

“…parole…”

“Now when you purchased that medication at [name of pharmacy]…”

“…I should be so lucky…one less thankless task for me to do…”

“What does it take to get a restraining order?”

“Hello, my name is Tina…”

“…you paid [state retail cost of medication]…”

“…I don’t know…sounds like you got a pinch-hitter…”

“…restraining order?…what…on Jeff?”

“Hello, my name is Brittany…”

“…and PharmaCorp can send you up to a ninety-day supply of [state quantity]…”

 “…for your convenience…”

“…So what…she told you to take azithromycin, or doxycycline?”

“…in order to protect…”

“No…he’s harmless…no offense Jeff….”

“My name is Brittany, and I am a Prescription Benefit Specialist…”

“…for only [state cost]…”

“…doxy…and metronidazole…”

“…All that talk about Sandy’s husband got me thinking about my ex…”

“…and send it to your home about ten days before your next scheduled refill date…”

“…dude…that’s for Trichomoniasis…”

“…in order to protect your identity…”

“…don’t worry, he’ll never take out an order against you, as long as you still keep answering his booty calls…”

“Hello, my name is Gina…”

“…so you have it in plenty of time before your next refill…”

“…from raw pork?”

“Hey! That’s not fair!…It was just that one time…”

“…at no extra charge…”

“May I please speak with Jenna Talia?”

“…we also have automatic refill of your medications available at no extra cost…”

“…you could say that…they’re both sexually transmitted diseases, but no, you’re thinking of trichinosis…sounds like there’s some wild pork involved somewhere though…”

“…at your convenience…”

“…It was Christmas, and I was feelin’ blue…”

“…or you can order any medication as needed if you prefer…”

“Are you sure?”

“…he told me his wife left him…”

“…and in either case, there is no additional cost for standard shipping…”

“Hey, don’t believe me…ask your doctor…”

“…for your safety…”

“…which was true, except he didn’t mention she was coming back in a week…she was just visiting family up North…Prick!

“…and no additional service fees or hidden costs of any kind…”

“That’s cold, bro’…”

“What do you expect from a man? As long as we let them play us against each other, they will always act like animals, and get away with it…”

“Hello, my name is Brittany…”

“To make it even easier for you to take advantage of this benefit…”

“…I think you and your wife need to have a talk…I’m just sayin’…”

“…delivered to your home…”

“I promise you if I do decide to embrace the lesbian lifestyle, you’ll be the first to know…”

“I think I might be a lesbian…”

“Sorry Jeff…you can’t be a lesbian.”

“…But we like all the same stuff…”

“…automatically…”

“…with your permission, we can contact your Doctor by fax to request authorization for up to a ninety-day supply, as well as three refills, so your prescription is good for a year…”

“…at your convenience…”

“What does ‘Cabrone’ mean?”

“Thanks, but I still prefer the hotdog over the taco…”

“We have similar savings on other medications, and I would be happy to go over those savings with you as well…”

“Depends on the country…it can mean anything from ‘Cuckold’ to ‘Motherfucker’…in what context?”

“…to protect your privacy…”

“Does that sound like something in which you would be interested?”

“Some guy yelled it into the phone before he hung up.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Would you Please Take your Nuts out of my Coffee?

Would you Please take your Nuts out of my Coffee?

I’m not referring to “teabagging” my morning cup of java…that would be dangerous, considering how hot I like it served…I’m not even worried about that…as much as I Love everything from Café Cubano, or Con Leche, French Market with Chicory, Jamaican Blue Mountain, or Just Plain Joe…it’s entirely platonic, not sexual…that’s right, you heard it here first…there are some things that do not have a sexual connotation to me…although there’re definitely on my short list….

And I’m not against the idea of flavored brews…original Irish Coffee, Café Ole, Café Mocha, even a hint of cinnamon, is fine. My wife prefers a blend of Arabica that incorporates butterscotch toffee flavor, and although English toffee is made up using almonds, you don’t actually taste the nut. As long as I lighten it with real rich cream, I find it pleasurable enough.

I make that distinction because although I love nuts of all types, I just have never enjoyed the taste of them in coffee… (remember, coffee is a bean)…and I think there comes a point when the beverage just becomes too cluttered and in the process loses its primal strength of character.

There is also an on-going debate brewing (pardon the pun) about peanuts and coffee…that they can induce a headache when combined…my experiences have confirmed its validity, although it was after the possibility had been presented, so maybe it’s just the power of suggestion, rather than cause and effect.

There is now a coffee creamer available that is Cinnabon flavored…another tastes like an Almond Joy…and they really do taste like what they claim…I’d just rather eat that on the side, if I was so inclined.

I think that they were dreamed up for people who feel guilty about eating dessert or candy at breakfast…it’s just another good example of how advertisers and marketing directors can capitalize on Guilt, without addressing it directly.

I live by or follow as few rules as are humanly possible in order to stay gainfully employed, and out of jail or an asylum, and I think people should do exactly what they want whenever possible, but Guilt, like Jealousy does not exist in my perfect world…so please keep your candy, flowers, baked goods…and your nuts out of my coffee.

The Talking Monkeys: Charles and Suki

There was an atmosphere that surrounded Charles that seemed to protect and insulate him from the toxic environment of his workplace. His demeanor had noticeably changed in the last nine months. It was as if nothing could hurt him, or diminish his Animated Serenity, as he called it.

There was always a core group around him, no matter where they moved him that responded well to his Zen Crazy Wisdom, uncensored offbeat humor, and generally irreverent persona. They protected each other from the Madness….

Any time there was more than thirty seconds between calls, someone would tell a joke, or a story that was usually calculated for its shock value. All the stories were interrupted, and told in installments in the spaces between the calls. It could take over an hour to relate the presentation to whatever part of the group was paying attention at that moment. It was fractured, disjointed, and yet cohesive for those who learned to keep up with the flow…there could be four or more stories being told concurrently over an entire afternoon or evening, each one picking up where they had left off before the interruption.

Sometimes they got caught in mid-laugh. The harder you try to suppress it, the more difficult it is to get through the presentation. Laughing during the pitch was absolutely not tolerated, and if captured and monitored, could lower your quality score enough to cost you your entire month’s commission. Same goes for eating during a presentation. It was like musical chairs. Everybody did it until the music stopped.

Woven throughout those stories would also be intermittent interjections about family, money, sex, politics, current events, relationships, “Asshole Remarks” from members who were usually mimicked and mocked (with the mute button pressed) while the call continued, as they revealed a great deal about themselves and their lives in the process. This process of sharing was part Chautauqua, part group therapy, and part rant.

Everyone was as much touched and moved by Charles’ devotion to his wife and family as by the sadness he carried over his disappointment regarding his relationship with his wife, Suki…he never complained, but it was just as obvious by what he didn’t say that told the story just the same…until that all changed for the better…it changed suddenly, almost overnight, it seemed, amidst scandalous rumors he never tried to deny…for good reason…the result had a galvanizing effect on everything about him from his posture, his expression, and the way everybody regarded him, as well as his sales figures….

Nobody in the business of Sales will deny the importance of Attitude in successful business negotiations…you don’t really sell anything…you sell yourself…that is what people buy…the features, advantages, even the price is just an opportunity to seduce the target because while you are pitching the client; the appearance of any great degree of reasoning is all smoke and mirrors that you use to hypnotize and persuade.

Pitching a target is a chance to flex your muscles, to see how far you can take that target to make them think it was their idea in the first place, or that they really wanted it all along. Everybody wants to get their own way; you just show them how to get it.

Charles projected a serenity that seemed to come from some secret place…some secret he possessed, a certain detachment that came from being able to see through the illusions that surround almost everything that most people do, or believe. Instead of sleight of hand, he used sleight of mind…like the way you jingle your keys to distract a crying baby, or the way a pickpocket jostles a mark to distract them…or the way an Aikido master re-directs the force of an opponent’s attack.

He did not avoid any questions, in fact, he welcomed all questions and objections, he just didn’t give any answers he didn’t want to divulge, but gave the impression that he was responding to their objections, all the while capitalizing on their perceptions of reality, which dictated their perception of their needs.

Some people do not want to be sold on convenience, for instance, because they regard that as laziness, but you can sell them on how it frees up more time to pursue whatever it is they call happiness, especially if you can play upon their deep-seated guilt over not giving enough time or attention to their families.

If price doesn’t work for them, then sell value, or quality. “…An American Company…” may still be owned by some Japanese or Chinese conglomerate, but if the client is a victim of either jingoism or xenophobia, then you need to be as American as plastic surgery or sweaters for dogs.

Some people are susceptible to how a particular product may improve their image, as if mere possession of said item makes a statement about who they are (as long as they don’t realize what you are really pitching). Vanity may work for some, whereas Pride or Self-esteem may be the trigger point that releases the wallet for others.

The next, newest, best thing will sell for some, where others may regard it as gimmickry. Tradition and stability usually appeal to them. Phrases such as “So you never have to worry again”, or “Set it and forget it”, or “Peace of Mind”… “for your family’s sake” can open a target like a fresh oyster.

“To avoid the embarrassment of…to prevent future problems…we all hate…nobody wants…we all need…and other similar phrases play upon fear, insecurity, envy, loneliness, or other nebulous but deep-seated emotional connections we have with primal experiences that shaped our perception of the world.

The Art of it all is to distract and disguise these blatant manipulations, or their lack of connection with the original question. As long as you can establish, address, and channel the need, they will forget the question.

But the real charm, that intangible grace and power he had come to acquire so recently was also the result of one part Wicca, one part Tantric, and several generous portions of séance.

Suki had been a practicing witch for more than ten years, and Charles had been a practitioner of Tantric for almost twenty, but the doldrums and alienation within their relationship had signaled a decline in their enthusiasm for most of their interests and outlets. When the passion suddenly returned to their marriage, so did the Majic….

About the time that Suki began her incantations and spells, Charles shot a hole through a mirror to attempt to create a “portal” to allow spirits to “cross over” from “the other side”. After about a half-dozen failed attempts, something remarkable happened. Instead of shattering completely, a series of concentric cracks and radial fissures allowed the rest of the mirror to remain intact as the fractures were entirely self-contained.

The result was a hole that when viewed one way, looked like an eye and when viewed from another angle looked like a vagina…the Mother of all Portals. It was disarmingly beautiful and fascinatingly frightening to stare into this sparkling but unblinking vortex that seemed to draw you into it…that was about the time that things got really interesting.

Regardless of whether it was ritual or recreation, they began to notice apparitions and spirits around them whenever they had sex. A first, a lone entity, followed by several more souls. Luminosities, rays and beams of light or glowing orbs floated, flitted, and flew around the room, dancing, darting, bouncing and reflecting off everything, giving an eerie blush to everything they touched.

On one occasion, while in mid-trance they visualized being in a pit, surrounded on all sides by onlookers. On another, their room was like a Lucite cage suspended in blackness, their bed a stage, with thousands of eyes following their every move.

Sometimes, phantom touches and caresses augmented their unions.

In their dreams, the spirits spoke to them, and gave faces to their presences, as well as a new perspective to their lives.

Eventually, they began teaching classes at the Sanctuary.

 

 

 

 

 

L’Huitre

There she lay

Splayed open upon two half-shells,

My bi-Polar Bivalve

Naked and glistening

Sans even her pearl.

It is she who is

the gem of the ocean.

As I kneel before her,

Savoring the delicious aroma

Of her salty juices

reminiscent

Of the sea

From which she was borne

Overlaid upon

A sweet musk

Like no other.

My mouth aches

To taste her.

My lips long

To kiss her,

And my tongue

Desires to speak to her

In her native language

 في مكان حيث أن الكلمات لا معنى لها،

(In a place where words have no meaning,)

But purpose is meaning.

We share an eternity

in a moment

within eternity.

Expressing our Mutual Admiration.

Upon her shell

she is Aphrodite.

and

I am an appreciative

Gourmand.

Dialogues

Sunday morning, I found myself stuck so badly it hurt…

I felt adrift to nowhere in particular,

and even the Now Here felt like No where…

Nowhere.

Out of Nowhere

a song bird perched

upon my shoulder.

She whispered a cautious introduction

and engaged me with questions

that were also answers.

Inspiration.

To Inspire

Is to breathe in.

Sometimes

To breathe life back in.

Gratitude.

on the spit – denying yourself

…and thanks again…there is something wonderful about having someone else validate your feelings independently.

D i a r y I n c a r n a t e

I read a post of someone’s struggle or rather, explanation of wanting and thus, denial. It touched me because I know exactly where he was.

Something that seemed like a beautiful expression of who this person is and how this person loved, was being denied. Choosing to accept the denial was the ultimate end. I couldn’t help think of the consequences of denying yourself an aspect of personal vitality. Yes, one can pretend that their desire of something is selfish and therefore, the compassionate, bigger person would deny themselves. This is common in marriages for whatever reasons, we think to give up rather than have. I’m not talking about vices or lusts. I’m talking about the crack down on pieces of yourself that you shut down because your significant other is denying you out of a lack of understanding, a lack of compassion for your own growth and well-being, a lack of venturing…

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The Things I’ve Learned about Women from Lesbians: Why?

Several friends have already started to question me as to why I would focus my attention on Lesbian Wisdom. It’s simple…gratitude…and reverence.

Women intrigue me…fascinate me…hypnotize me. If I was a woman, I would definitely be a lesbian…I’m grateful for every one that isn’t, and I admit that I am still largely ignorant of women, no matter how hard I try to understand.

Who knows better how to please a woman than another woman? Once two women allow themselves the opportunity to pleasure each other, their mutual understandings by virtue of their shared values, as well as plumbing, provide vital intuition that men do not possess in and of themselves.

A very close (lesbian) friend once remarked “A woman needs a husband like a fish needs a bicycle.” She is the epitome of a self-realized, self-actualized human being and an attorney who has literally kept me out of jail. All she ever asked in return was that I install a modern high-power stereo system in a classic car she owned. I was grateful for the opportunity to reciprocate her act of kindness to me. What I did not expect was that she also intended for me to have sex with her girlfriend and her.

Having finished the stereo, I returned into the house to find her on the couch with her ladyfriend, kissing, fondling, moaning and generally sexing each other up about as much as one can with one’s clothes still on. Initially, I was struck by a genuine reverence and awe just to be witness to this incredibly sexy and poignant vignette. It was like walking through the woods, only to stumble upon a clearing where the animals of the forest were performing “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”.

As I stood there playing the thunderstruck voyeur, she gestured with her right hand, palm up, first flat, then retracting her fingers in the manner of a Kung-Fu practitioner motioning me to join them. She never took her eyes or attention from her lover. As I approached them, she used that same hand to unzip my fly and unfasten my belt, causing my pants to fall to the floor with never so much as a single glance toward me. If my reverence had caused me to hesitate initially, unbridled lust immediately inspired me to action as I focused my attentions to her lover.

My friend was pretty, petite, and quite fit, but decidedly “butch” and although she had been married for a short period of time when I had known her when we were both faculty members at a local teaching facility, I had never really regarded her in a sexual way any more than I would have another man. Her lover was one of those women frequently referred to as a “Lipstick Lesbian” and I figured she was to be the object of my attentions, just like any Ménage à trois involving two men and a women.

When she suddenly turned to me, gave me a passionate open-mouthed kiss and grabbed my cock, for the briefest period of time (I don’t know what is smaller than a nanosecond) I felt like we were about to engage in a homosexual act together. Although she was quite adept at being able to think like a man I’m not sure she ever thought of it that way, and being a man, my erection had already precluded any rational thought processes.

We had a wonderful time together. Much later, after her ladyfriend left for parts unknown, she alluded to the events that afternoon, adding “Just because I prefer women doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a nice fat, juicy cock….”

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that we all need to avail ourselves of useful Allies…I’ve even gone so far as to marry nurses, and do everything in my power to cultivate friendships with women who are wise, resourceful, generous, or can get me into and/or out of a hospital, psychiatric facility, courtroom, or even jail, or better yet, keep me out of them in the first place.

In my perfect world, I would be on the very best of terms with a nurse (or doctor), an attorney, an artist, a musician, a pharmacist, and say, perhaps a financial wizard at all times…chances are, if they are women, at least one of them will also be a lesbian…and once you become recognized as Lesbian-Friendly, your world will open up in ways you didn’t even know existed.

I am less likely to feel threatened or competitive in their company, at least as long as they are not Separatists…men are much less likely to share…especially with each other. As a result, women often know more intimate details about each other in a very short time than men know about their best lifelong friends.

No matter how much difficulty a dominant, top, “butch” woman may have struggling to find her “voice” or demeanor, she will still know what makes a woman tick better than most men…which means that she knows that the workings of the feminine mind are often unfathomable, sometimes even to the one who is entertaining them.

Men learn to believe they know what women want either by watching porn, swapping bullshit conquest stories, or from mistakenly thinking that just because she let you fuck her means you especially did anything right…more than likely, you just didn’t do anything so wrong that it was a dealbreaker, if she decides she wants sex in the first place.

I don’t consider myself to be an expert on how to get laid. This is not just about sex, for that matter.

I do consider myself to be a great admirer of women. In all of their diversity.

Sometimes, just realizing how little you really understand long enough to stop assuming and start listening, and to stop posturing and start observing is enough to let in just the faintest glimmer of light…of realization…and understanding into our consciousness just long enough to stop trying to win, or control or possess. As hunter-gatherers, it is our nature to try to acquire, to own, or consume.

Don’t misunderstand me on this point however…this is not to be construed as a romanticized glamorization portraying lesbians as being somehow inherently wise or superior. I also learned a great deal from watching them fail, or fall back to earth. It’s just such a different perspective. Solipsism beleaguers both sexes to such an extent that the more any of us try to escape our myopic or Kalnienkic views of each other, the more we realize how little we see, or know at all.

Just because a woman says that she came doesn’t mean she’s finished for the evening…even if you think you are.

Stop trying to think with your cock. And stop thinking your cock is your only sex organ….besides, your brain is bigger, and doesn’t deflate after your first good idea comes to you.

Anybody can Fuck, but not necessarily well. Few men understand the difference between Sex and Intimacy, and most of them, if told they had to choose between one or the other, would choose Sex, not realizing that the best Sex is a result of real intimacy.

The less any of us try to look for formulaic answers about how to understand each other, the better. No one has the entire view, the ultimate knowledge, or exclusive franchise on wisdom. Individually, each of us brings a different fragment of the Truth, like a shattered mirror that has become our illusion of reality that can be shared and collectively assembled like a jigsaw puzzle.

A little mystery is good…too much mystery is just clueless ignorance.

If you really want to understand Women…stop thinking like a man.

Puck and the Fairies (from Midsummer Night’s Dream) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sappho of Lesbos, depicted in a 1904 painting by John William Godward gave the term Lesbian the connotation of erotic desire between women. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The things I’ve learned About Women from Lesbians

By necessity, I was forced to make you wait almost a day to read this post… (sorry, it was necessary.)

The first thing is to understand the difference between anticipation and postponement.

Last night an idea occurred to me that came by way of an analogy.

I used to be very impatient waiting for my significant other of the moment to finish applying her cosmetics before we went out together. Although I appreciate the concept of arriving fashionably late, I failed to recognize that most of the best-looking couples were just as late as we were.

When I got up this morning, out of nowhere, I suddenly realized that if, instead of wallowing in impatience, I simply let my imagination and enthusiasm fuel my anticipation, I would be in a much better frame of mind to truly appreciate (and if I were smart, applaud) her Ta-Dah! moment.

Anticipation is not postponement, like when a man puts off a woman in a dismissive manner because he hasn’t reached a “save-point” on his video game…or blog post…..

I am frequently struck by wonderment, awe and genuine gratitude for any woman who somehow chooses to allow men into their lives. Some days, we are like Bears, Gorillas, or Giant Adolescent Boys with Muddy Shoes and they are more like Butterflies, Angels…or Witches.

Sometimes, she has to stoop, just to conquer….

(I hope the Anticipation was worth the wait…but I’m just getting started on this topic, so stay tuned….)

See you in Dreamland.

Chazz

a trio of languid lesbians enjoying a salami. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: sarcophag of a learned woman Deutsch: Sarkophag (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Coming Late Tonight: The Things I’ve Learned About Women from Lesbians

I promise it will be worth the wait…See you tonight in Dreamland.

The Talking Monkeys: TeleMarketers…Incentives, Bonuses, Perks and other Bananas

The Talking Monkeys: Incentives, Commissions, Bonuses, Perks and other Bananas…

All to be dangled just out of reach… (after all, the whole purpose of the carrot is that the donkey never gets it, right?) He/She just keeps plodding away, pulling his/her load as if just one more step will yield the desired results until the Dream, the Ideal takes on an almost Mythic persona of its own that precludes rational discourse or examination.

The standard paradigm for sales managers is that more than eighty percent of all the commissions go to less than ten percent of the sales force. There is a method to this madness insofar as the top ten percent are elevated to Superstar status over the rank and file. Why? Because if it was a truly level playing field, the Leveling Effect would dilute the desire of the schnooks who have to sift through mountains of shit to even make commission at all.

If you consider yourself fortunate to make, say forty-five thousand gross, before taxes, you will envy those who bank eighty in commissions alone. If everyone could average sixty, and the Vunderkind only made the ten to twenty percent more that the average bell curve would predict, then most of the employees would be happy to just do their jobs, not sweat the small shit, and make fifty.

If you are among the uninitiated to Telemarketing, you are probably asking yourself “But how is it that Management can control who gets what calls?” (and thank you for asking, by the way)….

In the early days (c. Glengarry Glen Ross), you simply either got access to The Good List or you didn’t. This was years before the advent of computer-controlled dialers pre-loaded with lists of leads. It was clearly defined as to whose dick you needed to lick in order to be given the leads for the good prospects. It doesn’t take a great deal of business acumen to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Once computers could be linked to automatic dialers, it was easier to disguise the favoritism. Eventually, the word got out that someone would monitor the recordings, or the live conversations at their discretion, and would assess their Skill Setting, and use various forms of favoritism like place in line versus next available call for inbound calls. Outbound calls that are actually answered by a live person rather than an answering machine can be assigned by skill set to filter out everything except members who are new to the offering, have never been called before, never cancelled their services before, and take more than five prescription medications, for instance. This is a non-stop ride on the Unlimited.

The salespersons who are on this skill set routinely make twelve to fourteen conversions in an eight hour shift and end up with sixty prescriptions. Because they are only sent outbound answers, they are not subject to inbound calls that are improperly routed, who want to make payments or need to speak with customer services that just waste your time.

The percentages of useful opportunities from inbound calls are very low, and also require about four times more documentation to disposition correctly, which just wastes more time, but when you compare number of calls answered, the outbound only dialer indicates more calls answered, so the supervisors tell the personnel who are getting the run of schedule that they need to decrease their turn-around time, as if it indicates some character flaw or inefficiency is responsible for your shitty sales figures.

By contrast, those less favored individuals make eighteen to twenty conversions in the same eight hours, and end up with between eighteen and forty prescriptions on their very best days, but somebody has to shovel and sift the shit, and unless you are really desperate and made to fear for your job on a daily basis, no one would.

Eventually qualification for eligibility to even receive the commission you already earned is tied to quarterly sales goals for the entire division, not even regions or individual operations. Additional barriers include work percentage, schedule adherence, quality monitoring percentages, no written corrective actions, and no more than eight hours unscheduled leave during the commission period (thirty days). So even if you make whatever numbers they require, they can still snatch away your money away from you, even for simply using the paid time off they tell you that you are entitled for sick leave or whatever other excuse they offer and you will be angry, but you will know there is nothing you can do about it because they do it all with impunity. And the longer they do it, the more normal it seems until acceptance eventually numbs your ability to care.

Then manipulations of the stock prices through acquisitions, mergers and other ventures geared mostly to confusing the right-minded employees with melodramatic bellwether pronouncements by the CEO of impending days of uncertainty and belt-tightening causing them to sell off whatever they have invested at a loss only to be bought up again at a bargain right before the company reports record-breaking profits for the next two quarters, driving stock prices (by virtue of perceived value) higher than ever and further separating the Haves from the have-nots. Chances are, most of the people you knew on the job lost money, and most of the people who knew the members of the board of directors at their country clubs made money.

Regardless of what you are selling, you sell one of two things, namely Goods (something of substance, that is finite and measurable, presumably of assessable value), or Services, something that cannot be seen or measured, and is more dependent upon Perception of Value, and is by definition, Insubstantial…having no substance. In truth, both are controlled by a principle called Market Value, which is almost completely controlled by Consumer Perception of Value. If you are selling services, it’s all smoke and mirrors….

Pharmaceutical manufacturers actually produce the product, but distribution and point-of-service sales were completely controlled by Drug Stores, especially franchised chains or networks of stores, until the advent of mail-order prescription delivery delivered a swift kick to the nuts to local drug stores.

First, ninety day supplies were available only by mail order. This was arranged by collusion between the healthcare providers, insurance underwriters, and the prescription benefit administrators who provided management services, namely companies like PharmaCorp. They promised to contain skyrocketing costs to the providers and the underwriters.

Initially, the efficiency of a limited number of warehousing facilities labeled “pharmacies” that distribute over wide areas, the reduction of duplication of services, inventories, and personnel and overhead combined with greater buying power allowed for wider profit margins coupled with a burgeoning market yielded unbridled success, but as is often the case, that was not enough once greed took over.

First to suffer was the quality of the medications themselves, followed by deceptive and misleading manipulations of the minimum legal requirements for truth as determined by entire firms of attorneys already on huge retainers bent on reinforcing the perceived value of their services coupled with a lack of competition breeding a general contempt for the quality of the services or customer retention resulting in legally strong-arming the general public into submission by a lack of choice of alternatives as written into the prescription drug benefits themselves.

The reason they always get away with it is because the very rich, powerful, and financially and socially privileged barons would rather support the rest of the financial aristocracy by screwing the general public as hard and long and repeatedly as they can get away with it, and since they can afford to be as infinitely patient as necessary and because it is incremental and inevitable, it will continue.

Whether they have to victimize a thousand members to support the salary of one attorney, or a hundred thousand members to support the salary of one corporate executive, no one cares as long as there are an almost unlimited number of victims, because if you aren’t a member of their country club, you are just shit on the bottoms of their golf shoes.