The Talking Monkeys: The Script

The Talking Monkeys: “Good Morning, Welcome to PharmaCorp…”

“Good Morning…”

“Good Afternoon…”

“Good Evening…”

“My name is Charles…”

“My name is Jeff…”

“My name is Gina…”

“My name is Brittany…”

“My name is Mike…”

“My name is Ron…”

“ My name is Vicki…”

“My name is Tina…”

“My name is Tyrone…”

“My name is Don…”

“My name is [your name here]…”

“…and I’m a Prescription Benefits Specialist for PharmaCorp…”

“…and this call may be monitored and recorded…”

“…for quality assurance…”

“…for your protection…”

May I please speak with [target name here]?”

“We’re the program administrators for your prescription drug plan benefits for [Provider Name Here]…”

“…and I am a resource for helping you make the best use of your existing prescription benefit options.”

“I have two benefits that I would like to discuss with you today.”

“…and in order to protect your privacy, we always have to be sure we’re speaking with the right person.”

“I see you’re born in the month of [state month here]…”

“…Would you please verify the day and the year?

“Thank you.”

“One of your benefits is you do have the option of having your prescription medications delivered directly to your home from our pharmacy…”

“…and I see one of your most recent refills was for [state name of drug]…”

“…it was last filled on [date of fill]…”

“…for a [# of days] supply of [# of pills]…”

“…are you still taking that medication?”

“I see it was prescribed by Dr. [name of physician] in [name of city].”

“Now when you purchased that medication at [name of pharmacy]…”

“…you paid [state retail cost of medication]…”

“…and PharmaCorp can send you up to a ninety-day supply of [state quantity]…”

“…for only [state cost]…”

“…and send it to your home about ten days before your next scheduled refill date…”

“…so you have it in plenty of time before your next refill…”

“…we also have automatic refill of your medications available at no extra cost…”

“…or you can order any medication as needed if you prefer…”

“…and in either case, there is no additional cost for standard shipping…”

“…and no additional service fees or hidden costs of any kind…”

“To make it even easier for you to take advantage of this benefit…”

“…with your permission, we can contact your Doctor by fax to request authorization for up to a ninety-day supply, as well as three refills, so your prescription is good for up to a year…”

“We have similar savings on other medications, and I would be happy to go over those savings with you as well…”

“Does that sound like something in which you would be interested?”

Now that was pretty much the script verbatim, and if you knew what was good for you, you memorized it as quickly as possible so well that you start to repeat it in your sleep…so well that very little of anything above brainstem activity is required to repeat it flawlessly…with or without…interruption, so that you can manipulate two main programs running on different screens, that have several sub-programs each, transferring data by copy-and-paste to provide the specifics of the script as you are reciting it.

All the while, you have to be prepared for numerous interruptions, interjections, objections and diatribes from the target, because these objections will provide you with the key as to how to sell that target…they think that their objections are exposing your weaknesses, but in fact, they are telling you what you need to address in order to get them to roll over and give it up.

Now listen to the same script, as it might be heard on any given day or night, in the midst of an island of twenty cubicles in two rows of ten. Imagine listening to the sheer vastness of what initially sounds like an unintelligible tsunami of words overwhelming you, and carrying you away, as fragments of sounds begin to take shape into recognizable words and phrases:

 “Good Morning…”

“Is it five yet?”

“Good Afternoon…”

“Who wants to split a calzone?”

“Good Evening…”

“Can anybody break a ten?”

“My name is Charles…”

“Has anybody seen…[name a movie]?

“My name is Jeff…”

“What’s the Spanish word for ‘jerk-off’?”

“…I don’t know, probably ‘Jeff’…no, seriously…”

“Hello, my name is Gina…”

“Hey, I heard a joke…what’s the difference between…?”

“My name is [your name here]…”

“…a pick-pocket and a peeping Tom?”

“What happens if somebody takes you to court and gets a judgment against you?”

“Hi, my name is Vicki…”

“…a pick-pocket snatches watches…”

“…and I’m a Prescription Benefits Specialist for PharmaCorp…”

“…Can they garnish your wages?”

“What’s the difference between a women’s track team and a tribe of Pygmies?”

“…and this call may be monitored and recorded…”

“No, but they can get a judgment against you, and put a lien on your house, or anything of substantial value…”

“Hello, my name is Charles…”

“…the Pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts…”

“…for quality assurance…”

“….and take it from you?”

“Hey, I heard one…two Jews walked into a pharmacy…No, seriously…I keed…I keed….” (Done in a Mid-Eastern Dialect)

“ Hello, my name is Mike….”

“…for your protection…”

“…Hey what happened to Sandra?”

“Good Afternoon, My name is Don…”

“…for your protection…”

“Here’s a good one…Dr. Peter Cockbern…Urology!

“…You didn’t hear?”

“No, but if you try to sell it, they have to be paid before you get your money…”

“No…”

“I just got off the phone with Mei Hung Lo…”

May I please speak with [target name here]?”

“Has anyone else spoken with a Phat Ho?

“…for Quality Assurance…”

“…Third arrest for DUI…she’s in county…”

“I need to take money out of my 401-K…”

“We’re the program administrators for your prescription drug plan benefits for [Provider Name Here]…”

“…so I guess she won’t be in the talent show next week…”

“…Is there a penalty for that?”

“A guy just told me he was Jack Kanoff…”

“…and I am a resource for helping you make the best use of your existing prescription benefit options.”

“…not likely…”

“How old are you?”

“…in order to protect your privacy…”

“You said your name is Tsay Nguyen…? (pronounced ‘Say When’)

“I have two benefits that I would like to discuss with you today.”

“Fifty-two, why?”

“May I please speak with Harry Kuntz?” (She pronounces it with a long ‘U’ to no avail…) “…that’s Kuntz?” (pronounced with a short ‘u’…remember…she can’t laugh).

“…for your convenience…”

“…Makes you think maybe God really loves Music after all…she couldn’t hit a high note to save her life…”

“…and in order to protect your privacy, we always have to be sure we’re speaking with the right person.”

“If you’re under sixty-one and a half, there’s a penalty…”

“You said you’re Dick Kurtz?”

“I see you’re born in the month of [state month here]…”

“…Hell, her voice is even lower than mine…”

“…but you can borrow against it…”

“Is there Amanda Huggenkis there?”

“Well the whiskey and the cigarettes don’t help any…”

“…at your convenience…”

“May I speak with Mike Hunt?”

“…Would you please verify the day and the year?

“…even if I need money now…how am I going to pay it back later?”

“…you do have the option…”

“Who’s watching her kids?”

“Ben Dover?…Ninja Please!

 “…my name is Tyrone…”

“Thank you.”

“What were their parents thinking?”

“…for your safety…”                                

“I think they give you a year’s forbearance or something to catch up…”

“…Children and Family Services, until her mom came down from Tennessee…”

“Hello, my name is Ron…”

“One of your benefits is you do have is the option of having your prescription medications delivered directly to your home from our pharmacy…”

“Yeah…like next year is going to be any better….”

“…Too bad…I love her kids…but I fuckin’ hate Karaoke…”

“…at no extra charge…”

“Well keep in mind…Hung Wang does not mean the same thing in Korean…”

“…and I see one of your most recent refills was for [state name of drug]…”

“…I’ll just be grateful if it’s not worse…”

“…Didn’t you guys date for a while last year?”

“…it was last filled on [date of fill]…”

“What’s Chlamydia?”

“Good afternoon, my name is Jeff…”

“…yeah, until her psycho ex-husband got out of prison…”

“…for a [# of days] supply of [# of pills]…”

“You mean that street in West Palm where all the clubs are?”

“Hello, my name is Tyrone…”

“…and came down here on a stolen motorcycle…”

“…and I am a resource…”

“…no, that’s Clematis…your wife gave you VD?”

“…are you still taking that medication?”

“…No…my wife said she got it at the city pool, while the kids were learning to swim…”

“…until they extradited him back, after he violated…”

“…for your safety and protection…”

“I see it was prescribed by Dr. [name of physician] in [name of city].”

“…Yeah…maybe if she fucked one of the lifeguards…”

“Hello, my name is Josh.”

“…parole…”

“Now when you purchased that medication at [name of pharmacy]…”

“…I should be so lucky…one less thankless task for me to do…”

“What does it take to get a restraining order?”

“Hello, my name is Tina…”

“…you paid [state retail cost of medication]…”

“…I don’t know…sounds like you got a pinch-hitter…”

“…restraining order?…what…on Jeff?”

“Hello, my name is Brittany…”

“…and PharmaCorp can send you up to a ninety-day supply of [state quantity]…”

 “…for your convenience…”

“…So what…she told you to take azithromycin, or doxycycline?”

“…in order to protect…”

“No…he’s harmless…no offense Jeff….”

“My name is Brittany, and I am a Prescription Benefit Specialist…”

“…for only [state cost]…”

“…doxy…and metronidazole…”

“…All that talk about Sandy’s husband got me thinking about my ex…”

“…and send it to your home about ten days before your next scheduled refill date…”

“…dude…that’s for Trichomoniasis…”

“…in order to protect your identity…”

“…don’t worry, he’ll never take out an order against you, as long as you still keep answering his booty calls…”

“Hello, my name is Gina…”

“…so you have it in plenty of time before your next refill…”

“…from raw pork?”

“Hey! That’s not fair!…It was just that one time…”

“…at no extra charge…”

“May I please speak with Jenna Talia?”

“…we also have automatic refill of your medications available at no extra cost…”

“…you could say that…they’re both sexually transmitted diseases, but no, you’re thinking of trichinosis…sounds like there’s some wild pork involved somewhere though…”

“…at your convenience…”

“…It was Christmas, and I was feelin’ blue…”

“…or you can order any medication as needed if you prefer…”

“Are you sure?”

“…he told me his wife left him…”

“…and in either case, there is no additional cost for standard shipping…”

“Hey, don’t believe me…ask your doctor…”

“…for your safety…”

“…which was true, except he didn’t mention she was coming back in a week…she was just visiting family up North…Prick!

“…and no additional service fees or hidden costs of any kind…”

“That’s cold, bro’…”

“What do you expect from a man? As long as we let them play us against each other, they will always act like animals, and get away with it…”

“Hello, my name is Brittany…”

“To make it even easier for you to take advantage of this benefit…”

“…I think you and your wife need to have a talk…I’m just sayin’…”

“…delivered to your home…”

“I promise you if I do decide to embrace the lesbian lifestyle, you’ll be the first to know…”

“I think I might be a lesbian…”

“Sorry Jeff…you can’t be a lesbian.”

“…But we like all the same stuff…”

“…automatically…”

“…with your permission, we can contact your Doctor by fax to request authorization for up to a ninety-day supply, as well as three refills, so your prescription is good for a year…”

“…at your convenience…”

“What does ‘Cabrone’ mean?”

“Thanks, but I still prefer the hotdog over the taco…”

“We have similar savings on other medications, and I would be happy to go over those savings with you as well…”

“Depends on the country…it can mean anything from ‘Cuckold’ to ‘Motherfucker’…in what context?”

“…to protect your privacy…”

“Does that sound like something in which you would be interested?”

“Some guy yelled it into the phone before he hung up.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 Responses to “The Talking Monkeys: The Script”

  1. now that took some focus to write!

    • I had to write it in layers. First, I wrote the script, added one entire dialogue, then went back and stutter-cut in another, then another…like overdubbing in a studio, so it is possible to follow each separate dialogue…although when experienced in real time, it takes tremendous concentration to follow…to participate, requires becoming one with the script, so as to do it unselfconsciously, like preforming kata in Karate, or to perform the Tea Ceremony, or Calligraphy. When experienced as a Gestalt, the phrases tend to jump out, like fish in the ocean.

      I do believe that the dialogues are a defensive mechanism to prevent what I call Cerebral Tunnel Syndrome, or Repetitive Thought Injury.

      It occurred to me that there may be a resemblance to Finnegan’s Wake in the sheer overload of what may seem at first to be nearly incomprehensible, but such is the life of a Telemarketer. The Talking Monkeys is a story within The Home for Wayward Souls.

      I hope to finish a new chapter to publish today sometime. I hope you enjoy it.

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