Some of the best things I ever learned about women…The Rewrite.

The Things I’ve Learned about Women from Lesbians: A Slight Return.

Several friends have already started to question me as to why I would focus my attention on Lesbian Wisdom. It’s simple…gratitude…and reverence.

Women intrigue me…fascinate me…hypnotize me. If I was a woman, I would definitely be a lesbian…I’m grateful for every one that isn’t, and I admit that I am still largely ignorant of women, no matter how hard I try to understand.

Who knows better how to please a woman than another woman? Once two women allow themselves the opportunity to pleasure each other, their mutual understandings by virtue of their shared values, as well as plumbing, provide vital intuition that men do not possess in and of themselves.

A very close (lesbian) friend once remarked “A woman needs a husband like a fish needs a bicycle.” She is the epitome of a self-realized, self-actualized human being and an attorney who has literally kept me out of jail. All she ever asked in return was that I install a modern high-power stereo system in a classic car she owned. I was grateful for the opportunity to reciprocate her act of kindness to me. What I did not expect was that she also intended for me to have sex with her girlfriend and her.

Having finished the stereo, I returned into the house to find her on the couch with her ladyfriend, kissing, fondling, moaning and generally sexing each other up about as much as one can with one’s clothes still on. Initially, I was struck by a genuine reverence and awe just to be witness to this incredibly sexy and poignant vignette. It was like walking through the woods, only to stumble upon a clearing where the animals of the forest were performing “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”.

As I stood there playing the thunderstruck voyeur, she gestured with her right hand, palm up, first flat, then retracting her fingers in the manner of a Kung-Fu practitioner motioning me to join them. She never took her eyes or attention from her lover. As I approached them, she used that same hand to unzip my fly and unfasten my belt, causing my pants to fall to the floor with never so much as a single glance toward me. If my reverence had caused me to hesitate initially, unbridled lust immediately inspired me to action as I focused my attentions to her lover.

My friend was pretty, petite, and quite fit, but decidedly “butch” and although she had been married for a short period of time when I had known her when we were both faculty members at a local teaching facility, I had never really regarded her in a sexual way any more than I would have another man. Her lover was one of those women frequently referred to as a “Lipstick Lesbian” and I figured she was to be the object of my attentions, just like any Ménage à trois involving two men and a woman.

When my friend suddenly turned to me, gave me a passionate open-mouthed kiss and grabbed my cock, for the briefest period of time (I don’t know what is smaller than a nanosecond) I felt like we were about to engage in a homosexual act together…and I was down with it… Although she was quite adept at being able to think like a man I’m not sure she ever thought of it that way, and being a man, my erection had already precluded any rational thought processes.

We had a wonderful time together. Much later, after her ladyfriend left for parts unknown, she alluded to the events that afternoon, adding “Look, just because I prefer the company of women doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a nice fat, juicy cock every once in a while….”

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that we all need to avail ourselves of useful Allies…I’ve even gone so far as to marry nurses, and do everything in my power to cultivate friendships with women who are wise, resourceful, generous, or can get me into and/or out of a hospital, psychiatric facility, courtroom, or even jail, or better yet, keep me out of them in the first place.

In my perfect world, I would be on the very best of terms with a nurse (or doctor), an attorney, an artist, a musician, a pharmacist, and say, perhaps a financial wizard at all times…chances are, if they are women, at least one of them will also be a lesbian…and once you become recognized as Lesbian-Friendly, your world will open up in ways you didn’t even know existed.

I am less likely to feel threatened or competitive in their company, at least as long as they are not Separatists…men are much less likely to share…especially with each other. As a result, women often know more intimate details about each other in a very short time than men know about their best lifelong friends.

No matter how much difficulty a dominant, top, “butch” woman may have struggling to find her “voice” or demeanor, she will still know what makes a woman tick better than most men…which also means that she knows that the workings of the feminine mind are often unfathomable, sometimes even to the one who is entertaining them.

Men learn to believe they know what women want either by watching porn, swapping bullshit conquest stories, or from mistakenly thinking that just because she let you fuck her means you especially did anything right…more than likely, you just didn’t do anything so wrong that it was a dealbreaker, if she decides she wants sex in the first place.

I don’t consider myself to be an expert on how to get laid. This is not just about sex, for that matter.

I do consider myself to be a great admirer of women. In all of their diversity.

Sometimes, just realizing how little you really understand long enough to stop assuming and start listening, and to stop posturing and start observing is enough to let in just the faintest glimmer of light…of realization…and understanding into our consciousness just long enough to stop trying to win, or control or possess. As hunter-gatherers, it is our nature to try to acquire, to own, or consume.

Don’t misunderstand me on this point however…this is not to be construed as a romanticized glamorization portraying lesbians as being somehow inherently wise or generally superior. I’ve also learned a great deal from watching them fail, or fall back to earth. It’s just such a different perspective.

Solipsism beleaguers both sexes to such an extent that the more any of us try to escape our myopic or Kalnienkic views of each other, the more we realize how little we see, or know at all.

Just because a woman says that she came doesn’t mean she’s finished for the evening…even if you think you are.

Stop trying to think with your cock. And stop thinking your cock is your only sex organ….besides, your brain is bigger, and doesn’t deflate after your first good idea comes to you. Tongues and fingers (even your nose) are only the tip of the rapidly melting iceberg.

Do not allow yourself to be intimidated by a woman’s sex toys, and don’t say things that would disincline her from dragging them out to show them to you. Make friends with them, and try to get her to either let you know how she likes to use them, or encourage her to use them in conjunction with your play, but let her let you use hers…do not bring your own, even if you have them…it just begs too many questions you don’t want to have to answer, and she probably doesn’t want to hear, at least on the first date.

If a woman showed up on my doorstep with a suitcase full of sex toys, I would probably welcome her right in, although I doubt that most women would not be creeped out if the situation was the other way around…but then again, maybe that’s just me….

Accept the inevitable natural sexual superiority of women. It is a fact, and the sooner you learn to embrace it, the better place the world will be for your newfound wisdom. I don’t care who you are or what you think you are…I mean you, too. Anything you can do, she can do twice, either successively, or even simultaneously. So there.

Most men are so badly programmed by other men to believe in their own superiority that everything they embrace reinforces the interlocking series of lies that support their own fantasies, rather than embracing what roles we as men and women can enjoy to each other’s mutual satisfactions.

Your self-imagined mantle of masculinity can quickly become a burdensome yoke of unrealistic imagined responsibilities that you can never fulfill to your own satisfaction, let alone hers. With only a very few exceptions, most men can’t perform the way they are depicted in pornography.

Learn to lighten up and have some fun, and the orgasms will flow like…well the way they often do between lesbians…they are in no hurry, because they already like what they are doing while they are doing it, because for them, everything is foreplay, including the first orgasm….

No man is that well-endowed, instantaneously responsive, long-lasting or infallible as any number of didoes and vibrators that are readily available…and if you don’t have a replaceable battery pack, by definition, you cannot satisfy her as well alone on the best day of your life as you could on your worst day with the assistance of anything that can make her lip tremble, or curl her toes just to think of it…every woman has something…you should be so lucky as to just be there to help her discover it.

Anybody can fuck, but not necessarily well. Few men understand the difference between Sex and Intimacy, and most of them, if told they had to choose between one or the other, would choose Sex, not realizing that the best Sex is a result of real intimacy.

The less any of us try to look for formulaic answers about how to understand each other, the better. No one has the entire view, the ultimate knowledge, or exclusive franchise on wisdom. Individually, each of us brings a different fragment of the Truth, like a shattered mirror that has become our illusion of reality that can be shared and collectively assembled like a jigsaw puzzle.

A little mystery is good…too much mystery is just clueless ignorance.

If you really want to understand Women…stop thinking like a man.



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