A Rejected Submission (Satire)

Program your Children for Success by Bribing them with Alcohol, Marijuana, Music and Pornography

(My publicist strongly advised me against even sending the following entry to Parenting Magazine at all, but I could neither resist nor wait for either their reaction or rejection, so please feel free to comment on your thoughts on this issue.)

If you believe that punishment is an effective method for either teaching or behavior modification, do not read any farther, unless you thrive on being provoked or offended. If your lesson plan for your children includes subservience, or if you believe in the divine right of kings, we have nothing more to discuss.

If you think that the answer to non-compliance is more punishment, or that there is something inherently right or wrong in any method or means to any desired end, prepare to have your sensibilities abraded, should you choose to continue; I do not recommend doing so, however.

And finally, if yo do not believe that you have the ability to learn at least as much from your children as they do from you, I would direct you to the Asian koan that states: “A wise person is more likely to learn from a fool than the other way around.”

What the school system dictates as either curriculum or methodology is beyond my control. It has been my finding that the System is more concerned with compliance than education and job security takes precedence over learning.

Most of us were raised amidst the ruins of either a marginally successful or marginally failed romantic monogamy and attended devotional worship of some higher power in which we did not believe, but were afraid to denounce, wallowing in layers of denial supported by an interlocking interdependent series of lies and self-perpetuating illusions enforced by punishment. fear, threats, shame and guilt.

Please regard this text as a modest proposal for a rational alternative. Within that context, consider these possibilities.

Try to realistically introduce your children to the pursuit of sufficient Power and Autonomy to achieve Happiness. When most adults are doing what they like to do best, it usually involves Nakedness, Sex, Pornography, or at least “Blue Humor” and off-color jokes, drinking alcoholic beverages, taking drugs, listening to whatever they consider to be “their kind” of Music, and generally trying to get far enough out of their heads to forget, or better yet, never realize how badly their life sucks.

Let’s face it, other than Adultery, Autonomy, Hedonism, Altered States, and Self-determination, there are few perks to recommend Adulthood over Childhood.

Since it is usually the people with the most money or social privilege that get away with the most licentious behaviors, it would be best to get rid of their childhood delusions of Democracy, Equality or Fairness as early as possible, so they can concentrate their efforts into learning how to get what they want.

This does not mean give them what they want…make them earn it. Bonding is great, and quality time is positively essential, so wouldn’t it be better to maximize the effectiveness of the whole process by knowing that they will actually listen to what you say if they think you will give them what they really want?

“You want to get high on grass?…I want to see your name on the Honor Roll…then we can celebrate together with some Kush”

“…Want to play grab-ass with little Suzy in your room?…Not if it isn’t clean.”

“…Would you rather pick out your own clothes, or have your mother buy them for you?…Make sure the laundry is done.”

“…Do you like to drink beer?…I’d like to have the lawn mowed.”

“…Want to watch an NC-17 movie?…Let’s watch it together.”

This empowers the parents by eliminating the necessity of introducing a “middle man” into the equation who may undermine your authority and interfere with the bonding process. Fall back upon your own experiences by remembering what it was like trying to find some degenerate who was willing to provide teens with drugs or alcohol. There was usually a cost incurred which either made the transaction exorbitant or dangerous.

Speaking of child predators, by keeping your children off the street to get their kicks, you also reduce the likelihood of predation by law-enforcement.

Direct stimulus-response programming of desired behaviors has been scientifically proven to be the most effective method of behavior modification, as well as learning in general. Punishment is the documented worst method. It has been proven more than once to be less effective than doing nothing at all.

You have the opportunity to reestablish your Hero Status as their parents. Remember when you thought your parents were just the greatest and smartest and most wonderful people on the planet, and you couldn’t wait to do their bidding, just to receive their praise and favor? Probably not…but even if you did, do you remember how or when it suddenly stopped? Here’s your chance to put it all back in your favor.

How far are you willing to go to get back in control of your child’s attention and behaviors? If you tell them they can’t have it, they will just get it somewhere else, and pretty soon, they will get the mistaken impression that they don’t need you at all, and by the time they figure out how wrong they were, they may already be homeless, in jail or even dead. If they come to view their home as a Sanctuary, they will be disinclined to want to leave it, or to lose your camaraderie.

By doing this, it wins back their affection at a time when alienation and rebellion are most likely to distance parents and children. They may even acknowledge that they really don’t have any issues with you at all, since you know what they want, and are willing to allow them to have it…for a price. As the saying goes “You gotta give action if you wanna get action.”

Don’t confuse them with pontifications about unconditional love; make sure they realize that everything they desire in life is contingent upon successful completion of desired behaviors, just like it is in the real world.

This not only removes the most powerful weapons of rebellion and turns them into tools for effective programming and control of behaviors, it most importantly removes the motivation to rebel in the first place.

If they still insist on indiscriminate, uncreative use of vulgar and obscene words and expressions, then simply get high with them while you watch an entire afternoon of the Jerry Springer show on DVD, with all the commercials taken out, so they get the full effect of what they really sound like.

And don’t neglect to listen to their music with them. Open your ears, your mind, and your heart. You can teach them to appreciate retro, jazz, or other forms of music in general just by the example you set, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what you hear. I now share my son’s appreciation of Daft Punk, Knife Party, The Gorillas, and Skrillex as a result.

If you can acknowledge that they just want to have the same things that you want, and perhaps even enjoy secretly, you may be able to divorce Hypocrisy and Denial from the equation. Nothing weakens the position of parents who try to lord their feigned moral superiority over their children more than those two obvious flaws programmed into unthinking adults.

When the social dynamic of the interaction between parent and child is based on honesty and frank dialogue, parents are as likely to learn from their children as vice-versa.

As the child recognizes the importance and power of conforming to adult standards of behavior with direct stimulus-response mediated rewards and feedback, your likelihood of success in modifying their behaviors is increased since once you can control the body, the mind naturally follows.  And this gives children the opportunity to happily follow the path of least resistance with compliant behaviors.

Pornography is not an end unto itself of course, but rather represents a symbolic acknowledgment of their sexuality. It provides them with an outlet for their desires until a suitable human partner can be acquired. By permitting sexual explorations within the home, rather than driving them out of it, they are less likely to be harmed and/or victimized.

If they are still adamant in their insistence upon rebellion and rejection of the norms of society in general, then just point out that Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll made you what you are today. This will seem so repugnant to them that I can’t think of a better way to steer them into more effective and conventional behaviors.

Your relationship with your children can be the most significant and profound bond of your entire life. They are not pets, nor subjects, nor extensions of your egos to allow you to vicariously relive your failed past. Raise them to aspire to be your equals and treat them as such.

Remember, you are training them on how to take care of you, eventually.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: