In My Perfect World

 

If priests had any idea whatsoever about useful or reasonable counseling of their parishioners regarding real life advice, we might anticipate a scenario such as this:

(Interior single-lens over-the shoulder shot of a penitent inside a confessional booth; only the silhouette of the confessor is seen as lit by the dim image of the priest as seen through the ornate screen separating the two.)

“Father, forgive me. I cannot stop sinning; I masturbate at least a dozen times a day. It’s all I can think about, even at work. cold showers, prayer and meditation, even imagining the Mother Superior naked…which is not an attractive image at all…”

“Yikes! You can say that again!…no…come to think about it, please don’t…I have to eat lunch in an hour.”

“Nothing seems to work. It takes up all my time, energy, imagination, and I spend almost all my money on internet porn….

What shall be my penitence?”

A conspicuous silence follows as the priest strokes his short, neatly trimmed beard.

“Hmmmm…I know exactly what is needed here. I am going to give you one hundred dollars from the poor box. I want you to take it and go down to the docks where the hookers stand.”

“You will find a young woman there named Erin O’Clogherty; you can’t miss her…she is quite beautiful. She has a gorgeous head of chestnut hair, fine alabaster skin and jade-green eyes.  You may even recognize her; she sings regularly in our choir.”

“Go to no one else, even wait for her if she is not there when you arrive…do you understand?”

“Yes Father, but what should I do?”

“Well, first of all pay careful attention to what I am telling you, and stop touching yourself…you are going to need all your strength for this.”

“Yes Father.”

“Offer her the hundred dollars to go out with you for dinner and a movie.”

“I want you to go to Marino’s that Italian restaurant about six blocks from here. Their family is in our parish, and they have fallen on hard times despite their excellent cuisine…I’m afraid it’s because of the neighborhood; they’ve lived here for three generations and they don’t want to leave, but that’s another matter….”

“They will appreciate your business, and tell them I sent you. They will understand; Mario will probably give you a wink or two, but trust me, you will not be disappointed. Tip them very generously…this part will all come out of your pocket, by the way; it’s part of your penitence and you can afford it considering what you pay for internet pornography.”

Are you paying attention?”

“Yes Father.”

“After dinner, I want you to walk her to the movie theater around the corner. It doesn’t matter what’s playing, I want you to go to that theater only.”

“Throughout dinner, and after the movie, be sure to compliment her for how lovely she looks, but don’t go on about it in a salacious way…just notice her for who she truly is.”

“Listen to every word she says and engage her in conversation, but don’t try to impress her with what you have to say; If you two were dancing, I would instruct you to let her lead. She has a sharp wit and an imaginative sense of humor, so it won’t be difficult.”

“Offer to drive her home. She has to use a baby-sitter to watch her three young children, and she has no one else ever since her abusive alcoholic husband abandoned her to run off to Miami with the neighbor’s wife, which taken on balance was probably a blessing for both families, because Molly was quite the tramp, and broke her poor husband’s heart as well.”

“Walk her up to the house. I am quite sure if you mind your manners, she will invite you in; don’t worry, the children will already be asleep.”

“I can guarantee you will not be disappointed, so see to it that she is not either. Her emotional and physical needs should come first…if you’ll pardon the pun.” 

“Is that my penance, Father?…I am not sure that I understand…”

“Well, in case it wasn’t obvious, all of the parties involved…even the family that owns the theater are members of this parish, and each has the ability to help the others.”

“The Marinos need the business, and dinner will be a proper way to begin the evening; Erin needs not just the money, but the validation of her worth as a human being who is valued for more than just her body…and YOU definitely need to get out more often!”

 

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

02/27/2017

2 Responses to “In My Perfect World”

  1. babyd21713 Says:

    Incredible…thank you 💋

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