Sayonara Tsukimono Suji No Kimi…. さようなら私の最愛の白い魔女 (or 780 hugs and kisses)

 

No more I love you’s…?

No more bickering.

No more ultimatums.

No more angry words.

No more expectations.

No more disappointments.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The look in your eyes

betrays what you cannot

bring yourself

to say…

to pull the trigger

and end the suffering

between us,

yet you’ll never respect me

unless I do

what you cannot.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Its one thing to love

yet quite another to be in love.

As deeply as I am wounded,

I thank you for that.

I was born

to write torch songs

and you shall be my

most cherished inspiration.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

That’s why they call it a

CRUSH…

When you meet,

it takes your breath

away,

the same as it does

when it’s over.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxox

Nothing else

makes me feel more alive,

or more aware…

from the first gasp

of anticipation

to the anguish

of

the death rattle

of the horse latitudes

and doldrums

that slowly

led us here.

After all,

what good is all this loneliness

without the angst of solitude?

It awakens

our survival instincts

like the feel

of

Death’s hot breath

upon our necks

and nothing

spawns entropy, decay and oblivion

like the stench

of complacency.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

With nowhere else to go

for either of us,

this prison we have built

of our disillusionment

is

as real as our inability

to walk away.

With no where else to go,

our love

has turned into an ocean

of poisonous disappointment

in which we drown

each day.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

I feel compassion for

your anger,

resentments,

and sorrow,

but I can no longer

join you in them.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

When one door closes,

another opens,

which is how it will stay…

I’ll even leave the light on…

if it is meant to be

you will thank me

for that

one day.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

No more “I love you’s?”

Hardly…

I will love and keep you

in my heart forever,

but I refuse to always be the first one

to say the words…

It’s just too much

like shouting

down a well.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxo

So kiss me goodbye

as I wish you well;

let’s see how we feel

in a week or two

of our

trial divorce,

Our Banishment.

Just pretend

I’m not here…

someone

that you don’t have to love at all

so you won’t have to resent

that we are both still here.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

We have learned

to treat strangers and pets

with more kindness

than we allow each other

and it is our shared expectations

unfulfilled

that has brought about

this despair in ourselves,

who are the only ones

whom we can blame

now that I

can no longer

bring myself

to sing the songs

that only make me cry….

Sayonara Tsukimono Suji No kimi….

さようなら私の最愛の白い魔女

(Goodbye My Beloved White Witch)

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei,

さよなら ぜつぼう せんせい

(Goodbye Master of Despair)

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

09/18/2016

(As you can see by the date, I have re-written this so many times that I’ve lost count, and yet…I seem to be unable to post it, lest the true meaning be misunderstood. It is one thing to write torch songs, and quite another to live one; one thing to understand suffering as a source of inspiration, and another to be addicted to it.)

If we hold our tongues just to keep the peace, what we end up with will not be worth keeping.

Because I believe in Love I believe in you. Because I believe in you, I believe in You and Me.

4 Responses to “Sayonara Tsukimono Suji No Kimi…. さようなら私の最愛の白い魔女 (or 780 hugs and kisses)”

  1. This is heartbreaking but the last line pulls it all back from the ledge. I hope this is therapy writing more than it is literal. Peace to you my friend.

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