Ten Thousand days and nights;
the best of luck
and worst of judgement
compounding
exhilarating risks,
great moments of defeat
and success alike
all much too real,
my soul too tender
to allow
them close enough
to either wound,
or fill me up
with too much pride,
I anesthetized myself
with jaded sarcasm,
cynical perspectives
and aggressive intimidations
fueled by
unrealistic expectations
(…and the very best of drugs)
that money could buy
within a life so privileged
as to be blind
to the misfortune
born to others
or to
those caused to others
by my own selfish means
by which I achieved
almost everything that I desired.
Dead friends, dead lovers,
dead family members,
dead spouses
and dead pets alike;
broken promises,
hearts and dreams…
accolades, applause, abuse,
admiration and awards alike,
early on I realized
that if I opened up that door
of emotion
for just the briefest
interval of Planck time,
that like Pandora’s Box
once opened,
would make no difference if
left opened wide or closed,
I would never be the same.
It would be easier to put the smoke
back in the cigarette
than to forget
what I had done and seen
or in some cases,
even where or who I was
when I had been….
whatever it was
that I had been….
Endless rituals
of stimulants,
narcotics,
and anesthetics
of every flavor and stripe
depending upon my
position on the wave
I rode
while surfing my bi-polar seas,
no matter whether
hero or villan,
felon, friend,
or fiend,
the method of my madness
played out
upon whatever stage
it was that I was going through…
Until the End.
Another ten thousand days and nights ago
(yet at the very same time)
I started down another path
that would lead me to
what was called
The Bodhisattva Way.
When what had seemed
to be parallel lines
did finally cross,
both Joy and Sorrow
Desire and Disappointment,
Lust and Despair
were everywhere,
no matter where I looked.
Devoid of blinders, filters, masks or muzzles,
the brilliance of the simplest of pleasures,
joys, or indulgences
were as blindingly, brilliantly intense
as new vision
to one who has never seen.
While the ignorance, greed, and hatred
once taken for granted
as “part of doing business”
now made me gasp
as if to take my breath away.
Vices that had once been
my stock and trade
were now reviled
and regretted
when recognized in others…
I had lived in the camp of the enemy
and learned his methods,
but could no longer make
his ways as mine.
There was a time when
no matter how much I got,
nothing was ever good enough…
Now almost nothing
is plenty.
No longer fettered and blinded by privilege
or jaded by unremorseful greed
and narcissistic self-indulgence,
the simplest of kindnesses or joys
now give me pause, as if to choke
as I am overcome
by pure and simple Compassion
and Empathy,
once overlooked,
now the most precious
of experiences,
as Love is on the lips
of every blade of grass
that sings
to the Song of the Wind
as it blows through the trees
drowning out the voices
of all the teachers,
Bodhisattvas and Buddhas alike.
Tears of Joy,
Tears of Sorrow…
Are they different
or are they the same?
In the ever-present
never-present,
present moment,
we ride the three-hundred
mile an hour train,
where only your mind is moving
and before thoughts,
before words,
you already know.
Namasté
नमस्ते
Chazz Vincent
Friday, the Thirteenth
of October, 2017
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