Tears of Sorrow, Tears of Joy…(I just can’t stop crying).

Ten Thousand days and nights;

the best of luck

and worst of judgement

compounding

exhilarating risks,

great moments of defeat

and success alike

all much too real,

my soul too tender

to allow

them close enough

to either wound,

or fill me up

with too much pride,

I anesthetized myself

with jaded sarcasm,

cynical perspectives

and aggressive intimidations

fueled by

unrealistic expectations

(…and the very best of drugs)

that money could buy

within a life so privileged

as to be blind

to the misfortune

born to others

or to

those caused to others

by my own selfish means

by which I achieved

almost everything that I desired.

Dead friends, dead lovers,

dead family members,

dead spouses

and dead pets alike;

broken promises,

hearts and dreams…

accolades, applause, abuse,

admiration and awards alike,

early on I realized

that if I opened up that door

of emotion

for just the briefest

interval of Planck time,

that like Pandora’s Box

once opened,

would make no difference if

left opened wide or closed,

I would never be the same.

It would be easier to put the smoke

back in the cigarette

than to forget

what I had done and seen

or in some cases,

even where or who I was

when I had been….

whatever it was

that I had been….

Endless rituals

of stimulants,

narcotics,

and anesthetics

of every flavor and stripe

depending upon my

position on the wave

I rode

while surfing my bi-polar seas,

no matter whether

hero or villan,

felon, friend,

or fiend,

the method of my madness

played out

upon whatever stage

it was that I was going through…

Until the End.

Another ten thousand days and nights ago

(yet at the very same time)

I started down another path

that would lead me to

what was called

The Bodhisattva Way.

When what had seemed

to be parallel lines

did finally cross,

both Joy and Sorrow

Desire and Disappointment,

Lust and Despair

were everywhere,

no matter where I looked.

Devoid of blinders, filters, masks or muzzles,

the brilliance of the simplest of pleasures,

joys, or indulgences

were as blindingly, brilliantly intense

as new vision

to one who has never seen.

While the ignorance, greed, and hatred

once taken for granted

as “part of doing business”

now made me gasp

as if to take my breath away.

Vices that had once been

my stock and trade

were now reviled

and regretted

when recognized in others…

I had lived in the camp of the enemy

and learned his methods,

but could no longer make

his ways as mine.

There was a time when

no matter how much I got,

nothing was ever good enough…

Now almost nothing

is plenty.

No longer fettered and blinded by privilege

or jaded by unremorseful greed

and narcissistic self-indulgence,

the simplest of kindnesses or joys

now give me pause, as if to choke

as I am overcome

by pure and simple Compassion

and Empathy,

once overlooked,

now the most precious

of experiences,

as Love is on the lips

of every blade of grass

that sings

to the Song of the Wind

as it blows through the trees

drowning out the voices

of all the teachers,

Bodhisattvas and Buddhas alike.

Tears of Joy,

Tears of Sorrow…

Are they different

or are they the same?

In the ever-present

never-present,

present moment,

we ride the three-hundred

mile an hour train,

where only your mind is moving

and before thoughts,

before words,

you already know.

Namasté

नमस्ते

 

 

 

Chazz Vincent

Friday, the Thirteenth

of October, 2017

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