Awakenings

 

Life springs ahead.

Too much meditation,

not enough Dharma Action.

Time to awaken from this Dream

of Death

to enter

The Lucid Dream

 

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

03/31/2020

Fish swim with the tides, in and out of the lagoon as it empties itself, receives from, and flows back into the sea.

 

 

A Few Not-So-Funny Things that Kept Happening on My Way to the Word Processors

 

 

A few days ago, I received an anniversary notice from WordPress, congratulating me on my seventh anniversary of DreamlandDancing.

Most bloggers run out of steam in less than five years, which is curiously enough, also the make/break point for most small businesses.

Four years ago, my health went into what seemed to be a death spiral of numerous ailments, finally (hopefully) culminating in open heart surgery this last January.

Recuperation is not necessarily always as planned, and one thing just seems to lead to another…

Nervous breakdowns are inconvenient, embarrassing, and have a tendency to undermine one’s credibility, but I would be remiss not to admit that essentially all of the epiphanies, revelations, moments of clarity, and illuminations that I have experienced revealed themselves to me as the fabric of my Consciousness, Intellect, and Reason unraveled.

Suddenly faced with no A Priori assumptions, deconstructing what I perceived as Reality, allowed, if not encouraged me to let the most necessary components of my world align themselves according to their nature, rather than my previously preconceived notions.

“There are two ways to be fooled; one is to believe what is not true, the other is to refuse to believe what is.”  (Søren Kierkegaard)

I have often felt like I was playing “Chicken” with my own sanity in my search for the Truth, and eventually, I always lost because I kept playing until…so I have learned to consider myself blessed by these events.

It seems obvious to me that although I have what may well be the worst judgment in the world, the fact that I am not dead, in prison, or an asylum gives strong credence to the notion that I may also be the luckiest man in the world, or at least a strong contender for the title.

Meanwhile, I rebuilt the engine of my son’s 1987 Firebird while recuperating from a back injury in time for him to be able to drive it while on leave after returning from Afghanistan.

I fell down a very long, dangerous rabbit hole “researching” the production of moonshine for my current work Once in a Blue Agave Moon, but have done precious little writing.

In less than a week’s time, with no notice, I was forced to build a storage shed and workshop for my tools, or face losing them.

I’ve lost track of how many hurricanes have highjacked my energy, thoughts, and time these last several years.

The old adage about how when one door closes, another one opens has also proven true, and after several decades have once again begun researching, writing, playing, and recording a song cycle devoted to resonating our Chakras entitled “Ode to a Roomful of Tibetan Singing Bowls.”

Thordol Bardo, or The Enlightenment through Hearing has taken on new meaning and import for me.

I joined a drum circle, even though I have never considered myself a percussionist.

After months of intractable pain, thanks to Zen meditation and several Taoist exercises, I have learned how to successfully manage severe chronic pain, although it curiously inspired my occasional byline, Observations of a Recovering Buddhist.

(I am still an Atheist.)

Zen does not require me to invent a god in my, or anyone else’s image.

I have been a “gun-toting Pacifist” for several decades. I see no contradictions in that statement, considering that it has allowed me to save several lives other than just my own; nevertheless, ironically, the worst abuse I face on a regular basis comes from those who do not share my beliefs.

Are they or are they not also Pacifists?

I would ask them “How many people does it take to achieve World Peace?” The source of all conflict still lives within each of us, but until we learn to conquer it, there can be little hope for our mutual advancement.

That is why the Shaolin Monks devised Kung Fu.

I choose to stay alive out of love, so that I may share it with all who would appreciate it, until each of us realizes that the answer is just “One.”

Most of my life has followed trends or periods of time when a particular thought or principle seemed to predominate those events, and they have appeared to represent cycles that repeat themselves, allowing me the opportunity to correct, or anticipate events where or when my notoriously bad judgement taught me the error of my ways…hey look, regardless of judgement, I’m not STUPID!

The fact remains that so much remains undone and unwritten.

A few days ago, after meditating, I recognized a familiar state of mind that had come to me  several decades ago, a portent of what was unfolding, which involves change, and growth to face an uncertain future.

It was when I recognized my true self, my need for uncertainty and change, that I learned to embrace my fate, powered by my resolve, after understanding that I don’t have to only write the songs that make me cry.

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”

(Søren Kierkegaard)

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

09/21/2019

The Ten-Thousand Things

 

 

Each Day

As I face

The Ten Thousand Things,

that would either

impede or obviate

my pursuit

of The One,

it occurs to me

that

as I move in any single

aspect or angle

in the pursuit

of The One,

if I should

merely persevere long enough,

that eventually

I will become

one with

The One.

 

 

 

Wu!

Wu-Wei

Wu-Wei-Wu.

 

 

 

Matte Kudesai

Patience Please.

 

 

 

If I should

pursue

The One,

for the rest of

what is left of

my life,

I will never

Arrive.

 

 

The dog does not chase the deer

because he deer runs;

The deer runs

because the dog chases it;

 

 

 Wu!

Wu-Wei

Wu-wei-Wu.

 

 

 

Matte Kudesai

Patience Please.

 

 

 

The more passionate

the methods used

in the course of 

any pursuit,

the more surely

that

desire

will succumb

to

confusion.

 

 

 

Wu!

Wu-Wei

Wu-wei-Wu.

 

 

 

Matte Kudesai

Patience Please.

 

 

 

Each Day

As I face

The Ten Thousand Things,

I realize

that

No matter

which way I go,

all things return to The One.

 

Some directions

will be longer

or shorter

or faster

or more secure,

but the path we choose

will determine

both our Methods

as well as our intentions

and whether we know it or not,

instead of 

seeking

the attainment of anything

somewhere in the future,

if I embrace

my present circumstances

with joyous resolve,

compassion

and Grace,

fully engaged

in the ever-present

never-present

present moment,

there will be no time for

dreadful speculation,

the result of wallowing

in fearful rumination

instead of being completely

 in the Here and Now.

 

Acceptance, rather than Denial

allows us to focus on

what our life really is, 

rather than

what we wish it was.

 

If you are unhappy now,

what makes you think

you will be happy

sometime later

in a future

that will never come?

 

 

 

Wu!

Wu-Wei

Wu-wei-Wu.

 

 

 

Matte Kudesai

Patience Please.

 

 

Thanks.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

08/29/2019

 

Never Too Late…?

Six months dancing with Death in a dream within a dream

 

 

As finite Time hangs in the balance

All too conscious

that

as The One

returns to Zero,

just how precious

the ever-present

never-present

present moment

is

was

and will be.

Recuperation.

So many hours

for

necessary thoughts,

albeit dangerous or not

seducing me

into remembering

the regrets I could not rewrite

within my history.

Facing the shame of my wrongs

done unto others

to whom I can no longer

apologize,

yet totally eclipsed

by the magnitude

of my despair

for all that I will leave

undone.

 

Hesitation

preoccupation

self-consciousness

or cowardice

are indistinguishable

after the fact,

when

The Moment

was lost.

Retrospective or Requiem? Well, that just Depends. Pt. II

The things we desire may turn into suffering, but the suffering itself may lead us to the Palace of Wisdom.

A life devoid of desire serves little purpose or motivation, but what we desire, and how we pursue those desires will determine the quality of our lives and our suffering so that we may rejoice in all of it.

Several years ago, I was forced to give up one of the great loves of my life in order to regain the greatest love of my life.

For more than two years, the sadness of that loss threatened to overcome me. I was forced to break the heart of another lost soul who had herself resuscitated me, as well as my marriage. 

It also propelled my drive to finish the second novel.

When it all began, I was despondent and lonely; my Eternal Beloved had proclaimed that she no longer loved me.

Seemingly out of nowhere, a disarmingly beautiful, tall, and slender young woman who sat next to me began a friendship that turned into a “work spouse” affair that grew into something much more than that.

What touched me most was how sweet and generous she was to me. I could detect no visible pretense or guile in anything she said or did, and her loving nature was as genuine as I had ever encountered. 

She loved the million-dollar words I used. She made me feel like the handsomest smartest, and funniest man she had ever met.

She made me feel loved again, and suddenly, my relationship with my wife was renewed.

I had been honest with her about my new friendship, and we were already no strangers to exploring physical sexual relationships when the opportunities presented themselves, but when she realized that my paramour and I had emotional feelings for each other, I was faced with an ultimatum I was unprepared to accept.

It was either one or the other, but not both. No compromise, no discussion. So much for Polyamory.

In one day, three hearts were broken, but in the process, my wife and I re-discovered each other, and the woman who saved us both went into rehab.

I had turned a blind eye to her alcoholism, and perhaps my love had enabled her affliction, but I suspect that the pain of rejection was enough to prompt her to seek help.

It had been the end of the happiest year of my life until I finally realized that the sweetness and joy I had been shown would always be mine; it was something that no one else could ever take from me…not even her.

I was forced to let go of everything in order to learn how to hold onto the feelings, rather than just the circumstantial situations or people, so that they should remind me what is loving, true, and beautiful.

If one is fortunate enough to recognize the arc of one’s life, and wise enough not to try to hold onto the past with excessive rumination there is potential to discover some degree of purpose, or motivation running through the narrative we somehow believe we are writing, at least until we finally come to recognize that we are mere actors, or perhaps more accurately, impostors attempting in vain to emulate the beings we aspire to become.

It is only then that we can attain any degree of authenticity.

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei…

Sayonara Y’all….

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

06/21/2018

“for those who think, Life is a comedy…for those who feel, Life is a tragedy”

Someone close to someone very close to me was found dead on Easter morning. A suicide by gunshot to the head.

This past month has been a bit hellish, but ultimately, very life-affirming.

Only just now have I allowed myself to let my emotions be recognized.

So far, it looks like a three-headed dragon.

This is the first post I have ever made directly to this site without composing on ms. word…I didn’t want to over-think it.

I just needed to acknowledge this.

More to come.

Namasté
नमस्ते
Chazz Vincent

 

 

 

Punto Finale

When we all are gone…

When the Universe

returns

to

The Void,

and the One

returns to Zero,

there will be no sadness,

with no one to mourn

our passing

or celebrate

our existence.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

11/27/2015

 

Nothing Lasts Forever.

Nothing Lasts Forever.

No Thing Lasts for Ever.

That which we call Nothing…

The Void

yielded an entire universe

in one Big Bang.

The Bone of Space passes

through

Empty Space as thick as molasses.

Even this will not last forever.

What looks solid is empty

eventually we shall pass back into the void again

until a similar set of random circumstances

spits out another universe.

Things pop in and out

of existence

at the rate of

ten to the negative twenty-second

nanoseconds,

but

Nothing Lasts Forever.

No Thing Lasts for Ever.

But only Nothing(ness)

Lasts

Forever.

Just This.

Only This.

The void between

Nothingness and Eternity.

It has all the time that doesn’t exist

in all the universes

that ever have or ever will be

born.

“First there is a Mountain

then there is no Mountain,

Then there Is.”

I alone sit motionless

in its center

as the entire universe

hurtles through

something more…

something outside of itself…

something else

that is Nothing

that is less than Nothing.

Pure Yin,

the vagina of

pure existence

from which Everything

springs out of Nothing

that does not need a man

to complete it.

When we all are gone

there will be no sadness,

with no one to morn

our passing.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

11/11/2015

 

OVERCOME

Ten thousand yesterdays pass beneath the wheel.

The slightest reminder triggers

both tears of joy

and sadness.

This wonderful, blissed existence…

Vignettes of spaces and time,

like pearls on a string.

each marked by a unique ambience…

Sweet, sweat and feelings so thick you can smell them,

even taste them

in the air between us.

upon which we ride

giant waves and gentle swells

of Understanding;

thoughts, ideas

and words

passed between us

like

saliva

or even

saltier

sweetnesses

shared freely…

engulfing some

and savoring others.

Tall, open-faced waves

of Satsang

rising up from a placid, tranquil sea.

Each scene has a coming

and a going.

And make no mistake;

the goings were so

exquisitely painful

as to have made it worth

it All

just to have Known You

at all…

Perfect Film Noire.

All of it; the whole

scene that my life

was engulfed

in…that night

or any other;

when we said good-by,

knowing it was the last time…

both pretending it wasn’t.

…as I sat there smiling,

with mixed emotions

watching you walk away,

still salaciously

enjoying

and musing over your form

right up to the end…

of you and me;

the end of the story,

the last chapter…

Punto Finale.

Incredible highs

crushing lows

and nowhere to hide

from myself

except

In You.

Where shall I go?

A couple thousand yesterdays pass

and it happens again;

new script

new location

different story

same ending.

I try to convince myself

that I’m OK

that I will survive.

I disconnect

and move on,

dragging this sack of tears,

afraid to breathe

for fear of

breaking it…

setting loose the grieving postponed,

but never addressed…

“Après moi, le déluge“

(or so I thought…)

How do I step away from you

and not loose touch

with

who I was and what I did

when

we first met?

Were those feelings not your own?

Just as mine?

Those images of us and who we were;

what we did and how we did it.

Can’t we keep them in a special place

of each our own?

Here and Now,

they all come together,

the joy and the grief alike

as if I’d just released

a box of stars

from captivity…

juxtaposed

and balanced

against each other in

Dissonance and Harmony;

Polyrhythmic Polyphonous

Symphony combined.

Judging Nothing.

Disdaining Nothing.

Here nothing is sacred or profane

as it suddenly becomes so clear

how every single moment

was leading up to this:

Ten thousand yesterdays

balanced against

only this one moment

with the anticipation of

Ten Thousand Tomorrows

not guaranteed, but

give or take a few…

maybe just a chance

to finally get it all right

at the same time.

Please just know

that I Know

that you did the right thing….

“Water seeks it’s

own level.”

Each of our lives is

” a Movable Feast”

Graze where you will.

You at yours

and me at mine.

All things return to the one.

and

She is with me now

as we approach

Zero.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

10/18/2015

 

 

If Only We Knew…

If you had another ten thousand tomorrows,

what would you like to do?

What would you hope to have?

What will you need?

How do you hope you will feel?

Do you have any idea

how you are going

to accomplish this?

Suppose…

it was only a thousand more days….

What would you finish?

What would you start?

I hope you already know.

You may need to know soon….

(You will need to eventually.)

…or maybe not….

We have no idea.

We could be in the path

of a collision course

with an on-coming

frieght train…

or maybe not.

I have no more idea

than you do.

…probably.

How would you live

if you only had

one day?

How would you live if you thought you

would never die?

So here is my semi-rhetoical question:

In reconsideration of

the above-listed

rhetorical questions…

What are you going to do today?

How do you feel about it?

Do you believe

it is already

out of your control?

Why?

What?

How?

Do you think

you need to decide

what to do about it?

Do you believe

that you are powerless?

Even the Submissive

can exploit the

Ways of Power

and Majick.

Find your way.

Do what you love to do

first.

The rest will at least

seem

to come

a great deal easier

that way.

All by itself.

Like the spring rains

and the fish that swim

in and out of the lagoon

with the tide.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

10/18/2015