On Letting Go, Part VII: Your Glory Days and the Past in General

Nostalgia is a curious word. It was an invented compound word from the Greek Nostos, meaning to return home, and Algos, meaning Longing, and the modern medical Latin Algia, referring to the sensation of pain.
As the story goes, it was created to describe a form of malaise suffered by Swiss mercenaries during the seventeenth century during extended absences from their homes, and marked the birth of the expression Homesick.
In modern times it has been subject to many variations of its interpretation, ranging from the triggering of memories of better days or happier times, either as Restorative Nostalgia where one wishes for a return, vs. Reflective Nostalgia, which tends to dwell on the pain itself, or to the actual objects, situations, or stimuli ranging from music, tastes, smells, sounds, or images that trigger the memories.
Numerous researchers claim that Nostalgia may be a coping mechanism that may result in hopeful anticipation of the future or acceptance of the present situation, or even the encouragement of seeking extension of one’s social network and support mechanisms.
In general, I disagree.
The basis of my disagreement is based mostly on anecdotal experiences and observations, as well as some recent research, but it would appear that from sometime during a man or woman’s thirties on, the potential for the onset of angst over lost youth, optimism, or opportunities seems to loom in front of them so ominously that it would appear to obscure their view of virtually everything else…much like not seeing the forest for the trees.
My personal favorite modern interpretation of Nostalgia is the pain of remembering….
That is not to say that one cannot feel hope or joy in remembering, especially those peak moments in one’s life, as well as the more mundane but nonetheless memorable mile markers each of us experiences throughout our lives that are long gone and no longer accessible for any number of reasons.
They may help nurture and renew stale or tainted relationships by serving as a reminder of what once was (and what may be once again possible)…maybe.
They can also provide perspective. If they trigger introspection they may be therapeutic, so long as they do not result in excessive rumination, and remorseful lamentation.
The other danger comes from wallowing in an excessive preoccupation with one’s Glory Days as an escape mechanism that enables denial of one’s current situation as a substitute for living fearlessly, positively, and creatively in the present.
Too often, this type of nostalgia reflects a revisionist history of idealized memories for something that never existed in the first place.
I cannot deny that I have not suffered from my own share of all of those above-listed negative experiences of Nostalgia at one time or another. I do not judge and it is not my intention to ridicule…at least not most of the time…
I still reserve the option however, to use self-lampoon whenever necessary if I believe it will help illustrate a point without impugning anyone else’s character, with the exception of the rich, the famous, and anyone pompous enough to run for or hold political office.
I hope I don’t have to explain why.
As always, the real issue is one of A Question of Balance.
No one really knows if it is a good idea to look at photo albums of one’s childhood, a wedding album, or reminders of other sorts of past lives during a bout of depression for instance, at least not until after the fact, and just because it makes you sad initially doesn’t mean it won’t be good for you eventually.
That part is up to you. If it gives you perspective, hope, or encouragement (or maybe even an erection), then good.
But if it sends you into a flat spiral from which there is no recovery you will be pretty much fucked unless you either snap out of it, or seek the help of a competent mental health care professional.
Unfortunately, unless you already know one, or trust the advice of someone who does, you are probably not in any condition to know the difference between the competent and all the rest who are merely perpetrating a fraud via a degree and certification who can’t accomplish one of the first and most important admonishments which is to “heal thyself” as well as “do no further harm”.
You never know…any pen can write the poison thought that can unravel your sanity, and once you open the box it’s damn near impossible to get all the demons back in.
I’ve lost almost half a decade more than once as a result of bad decisions…I certainly can’t recommend any sort of roadmap to avoid catastrophe and heartache, or for that matter, any way out once you find yourself there.
That’s why I don’t pretend to give advice…only perspective.
I refuse to accept responsibility for anyone else’s bad decisions. I’ve made too many of them myself, and the whole point of it is that in the end, it’s all up to you to figure it out for yourself.
That’s about the closest I come to giving advice.
So what is the point of this diatribe then?
Just this: no matter how shitty your judgment is, or how far you fall, as the saying goes, “It’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up again.”
And I am in fact living proof that it is possible to survive ridicule, ruin, bankruptcy, divorce, addiction, catastrophic emotional and physical injuries, a seemingly endless free-fall from a state of Grace that was once beyond my wildest dreams, any death other than your own, mind-numbing depression, an endless series of dead-end career decisions and even the realization of one’s own mortality and still find Peace, Love, the ability to harmonize apparent discord, and a sort of realization of Happiness without either a frontal lobotomy or a bottle in front of me.
Not that I deny my affection for various degrees of strong drink and any number of experimental and recreational drugs, but then again, it’s A Question of Balance…I regard them as a means, not an end unto themselves.
Love many and trust few, and always paddle your own canoe.
Koo Koo Katchu.
Sometimes you are the Walrus, sometimes the Carpenter, or maybe even the Lobster.
Whatever you did or did not do to get you wherever you are, especially if it was due to circumstances beyond your control, you will be the one who is responsible for the outcome…you either survive and thrive, or improvise, adapt and overcome…or else.
Or else what?
Or else you don’t.
The past is behind us. It is a dream of what we were. The future will arrive all by itself without our help or worry, and the non-existent ever-present-never-present present moment is gone as soon as it arrives.
We live in a dream of an illusion of a virtual space between what was and what will be.
Just don’t wallow in the past.
It will all be over far sooner than you expected.

Namasté
नमस्ते
Chazz Vincent
07/18/2015

TTWDWW: Maybe someday, right after You Think it Can’t get any Worse…and then it Does Anyway….

This Thing We Do with Words, a slight return.

Part Eleven

Maybe someday, right after You Think it Can’t get any Worse…and then it Does Anyway….

It is also darkest before the Storm.

And so we come to ideas, concepts, and thoughts….

So much writing is formulaic, because if you want to get published…if you want a large following of readers, you have to consider that most film producers or publishers have so little imagination.

Every time new ground is allegedly broken in some area, the rush to judgment is to look for the next “Fifty Shades of Grey,” or whatever copy-cat trend is peaking at the time. Enough said.

Charlie Kaufman, Lana and Andy Wachowski, and Tom Tykwer remain some of the most notable exceptions to the rule as regards both screenwriters and directors. To my knowledge, they do not do erotica. That is unfortunate…for Erotica.

Virtually all great modern literature breaks, or at the very least bends whatever literary conventions and common period practices that are in place at that moment. Naked Lunch, Finnegan’s Wake, Howl, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas are all good examples for different reasons, although none of them are erotic, despite the fact that when they were originally published, Naked Lunch, as well as most of Allen Ginsberg’s writings were considered “dirty”, and subject to censorship.

Originality makes its own rules as it goes along while the rest of the world tries to follow or copy it, but only after first suppressing it. We are long since past the time for Erotica to do the same.

We’ve had more than enough suppression of art and culture in general for too long. Politics and Religion are the root cause, but as long as citizens are willing to trade their civil rights and liberties for safety and security, from an ever-increasingly parental and disapproving government, it will only get worse.

It’s hard to believe that it has been over fifty years since the sixties (the generation that took twenty years to act out), which may have been the last time our culture openly embraced the eternally questioning mind.

Fellini stated that he believed that in some ways, censorship helped stimulate creativity by forcing more creative ways to work around the limitations it imposed…perhaps.

Born out of reaction to the regimes of Dwight Eisenhower, Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, racial prejudice and discrimination in general, Vietnam and decades of sexual and cultural repression, a political and cultural revolt was inevitable.

In this country, it provoked brazen challenges to tremendous social, cultural and political evils and unconscionable repression, fueled by a general state of mind that openly rejected hypocrisy and injustice as the worlds of Art, Film, Literature, Music, Sexual Revolution, as well as Political and Cultural norms exploded in defiance of a world that had gone wrong for too long.

“…I stood around Saint Petersburg

when I saw it was the time for a change….”

(and)

“I watched with glee as your kings and queens

set the barricades

for the gods they made.

…Pleased to meet you…

Hope you guessed my name….”

(Rolling Stones/”Sympathy for the Devil”)

It has been far, far too long, and maybe our time will come again, if we but choose to stand up and howl…not to repeat ourselves, but to re-invent ourselves timelessly, proudly and shamelessly.

Nothing is sexier than a truly authentic person living their life passionately and fearlessly with boundless curiosity, little reservation or caution, and few regrets.

Time to fish, cut bait, or swim.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

04/23/2015

 

TTWDWW: Shock the Monkey

This Thing We Do with Words, a slight return.

Part Ten

Shock the Monkey

I can think of two descriptive phrases I have used that were almost too off-putting to have considered using, and yet…the image that came to my mind as I envisioned particular feelings or situations left me compelled to use them.

One is clearly not erotic, and the other one is more of a sensual prelude to develop the erotic aspect of a particular character.

“…that sudden realization came upon him like hungry wolves running down lost children in the snow.” (There is nothing sexy about the phrase of course, but that was not my intention.)

Or (In describing one woman seducing another):

“She found herself transfixed and powerless to resist, like a child being lured into a van by some familiar stranger with candy, or a puppy…”

These may still be too bizarre a juxtaposition of images to be accessable to most readers as erotica, but I firmly believe that it is through the eyes of artists and writers that we learn to expand our visions of the world…it’s a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.

It would be safe to say that both are forbidden images. I am neither a pedophile, nor do I take pleasure in the misfortune of children… EVER…but it is in the very nature of the forbiden word or image that empowers it.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

04/23/2015

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TTWDWW: When is Too Much Just Right or Just Too Much?

This Thing We Do with Words, a slight return.

Part Nine

When is Too Much Just Right or Just Too Much?

Then again, I consider my own form of “enhanced and fortified non-fiction” to be predominantly narrative story-telling, much like the verbal tradition of the great American Tall Tale.

As much as I like the challenge of the bon mots, if you were listening rather than reading, you wouldn’t have the luxury of going to the dictionary every page.

Although I consider Tom Robbins to be one of the most brilliant authors of our time, his propensity for excess regarding obfuscation was perhaps best personified in “Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates” when the protagonist, “Switters” used the term phrontifugic (A reference to banishing or relieving anxiety by escaping from one’s thoughts).

As fond as I am of those bon mots, he alone has prompted me to go to the dictionary more than any other author. The Urban Dictionary, which was the only source I could find that used it in context, had to resort to quoting his own sentence in order to use phrontifugic as an example. Wikipedia does not recognize it, nor does Wiktionary.

It is currently the most obscure word I have ever encountered, but his prodigious talent as a novelist inspires me to want to be a better author.

In 2005, (Wild ducks Flying Backward) he stated that given the abysmal state of our national consciousness, if we can’t get our heads out of our own asses, the only hope left was to perfect brewing your own beer and making a good thin-crust pizza.

He described his last book, entitled “B is for Beer” (2009) as either a children’s book for adults or an adult book for children.

I got the distinct impression that “B is for Beer” was his way of flipping off his publisher for one last book. He is now 82 years old. If he were to publish another more challenging book, I don’t know if it would receive the wide-spread readership he once enjoyed. Not so much because of any shortcomings on his part, but rather an increasingly short supply of readers willing to make that much of a commitment.

I did not purchase “B is for Beer”. It took less than twenty minutes to read standing up in Barnes and Noble. Of course, maybe I was the moron for not recognizing its inherent brilliance.

In the near-silence of the bookstore, I was surprised no one heard my heart breaking.

Maybe he was right. Literature (by virtue of participation) is one of the hottest mediums of expression or entertainment there is. Two of the most important things you can bring to this picnic are an appetite, and an imagination.

A few decades ago, Marshall Mcluhan described Television and Film as a cool medium. Now it is colder than a gynecologist’s speculum. They only require an appetite or just boredom, like junk-food. There is no longer any need for imagination. Everything else is already provided, courtesy of digital effects. All you have to do is show up and pay your money. Television and Film are easy and seductive, so it is rapidly displacing Literature and reading as entertainment.

In a world of passive entertainment, reading is becoming as arcane and superfluous as conversation, letters, writers or readers.

Reading and thinking are just too much like work to the masses who “live lives of quiet desperation”.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

04/23/2015

 

TTWDWW: Define Your Purpose, Choose Your Audience

This Thing We Do with Words, a slight return.

Part Seven

Define Your Purpose, Choose Your Audience

Let’s face it, most of the great works of our civilization are now almost never read at all, and certainly would never have become famous or commercially successful today, especially given the “idiocracy” of our semi-literate cultural and educational system.

Much like the question “would you rather be right or happy?”, one may well ask “would you rather be famous and rich, or masterful and original?”

I am also reminded that even Literotica in and of itself is not my primary objective.

It is my goal to write creatively, imaginatively and never look away. As a result, I get my strongest support from my fellow travelers in the Kink/Fet community in general and Polyamory in particular.

Although I generally have come to believe that my lack of singularity of purpose as an erotic author has caused some to regard me as too esoteric, while the “serious” aficionados of Post-Modern Literature (or perhaps Post-Post-Modern) may find me too sexually preoccupied.

Sadly, as the practitioners of Post-Modern continue to age, it may all too soon become Post-Mortem. I prefer the label “Post-Neo”.

Most erotica has suffered from its narrow perspective. The fact that its primary intent is to sexually stimulate the reader is not a bad thing, it is just limited.

There is no reason one cannot be intellectually and sexually stimulated at the same time, and in fact for me, it almost has to be that way.

To me, Life is erotic. Mystery is erotic. Challenge and Adventure are erotic. “My advisors” tell me that criminal activity is also erotic, and Danger is most definitely erotic.

While the rest of the entire animal kingdom is dancing to a tune called “Let’s Fuck” Man alone tries to separate brains, hearts and genitalia into convenient categories, (despite whatever Feud may have had to say on the subject) as if they operated independently of each other.

There are few stories worth telling, let alone reading or listening to that do not have an undercurrent of erotica within the actualities of the entire story. As a culture, we are still so conditioned by embarrassment regarding sex that we think that there is no relevance to include it in “serious” works.

The film “Einstein and Eddington” is a perfect example.

Most people would not equate General Relativity, or Quantum Mechanics with the backstory of a man with both a family and a mistress, but then again, I personally find both subjects to be very sexy…but maybe that’s just me.

I was heartened to learn of his polyamorous history. I was already aware of his idiosyncrasies as well as his amazingly off-beat humor, but this just garnered more respect for him in me.

He was fearless in very fearful, judgmental times.

Although the film did not explore the erotic details of Einstein’s life, given the narrative, I believe that there would have been tremendous potential for truly erotic dramatic action.

After all, who knows what a man with enough imagination to come up with the Theory of Relativity might be capable of in the bedroom, or who-knows-where else? If they lived “in my perfect world”, they would have all gotten a house by the sea.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

04/23/2015

 

TTWDWW: Men and Women

This Thing We Do with Words, a slight return.

Part Six

Men and Women

We clearly are not either programmed or hard-wired the same, and therein lies the real challenge…how do you write erotica for both sexes…can it even be done?

Whether it be adult film, or erotic literature, clearly women’s standards are much higher, and require a more sophisticated approach.

A man is less likely to sit through a great deal of artsy prologue to set up the characters or provide any motivation (other than pure lust) unless there is sufficient hard-core action to justify the investment in time, money or effort.

In this respect, men have been more drawn toward film, and less likely to read erotica, while film producers had to refine their game to appeal to a female audience.

One of my favorite erotic writers (see above, previous posts) described an erotic encounter quite splendidly in terms of narrative action, yet the way in which she described the dramatic action of the mental and emotional Flamenco dance going on within her character gave me insights into her psyche in a way that has illuminated my male perspective of sex and her push-pull dynamics of conquest, surrender, dominance, submission, victory and vindication and has left me forever changed, providing a new gold standard for my own writings; not to copy her style…so much as her outlook, or approach, as well as to view sex through a woman’s eyes, and feel it through her heart.

This is not just simple rhetoric, or choice of words, but rather a new paradigm for a three-dimensional description and analysis of everything sexual on many different levels.

After all, the smallest human brain dwarfs the even the largest human penis.

She also stated that as much as she feels comfortable with the word “pussy” she found herself perplexed by the use of the word as a derogatory expression of one man describing another man. She also appropriately asked if men like pussy so much, why would they use the word to insult each other?

I had to think about that one for awhile….

I have come to believe that it is out of fear and insecurity.

Macho bravado (and old-guard politics) aside, the only advantage men have over women would appear to be upper body strength, and possibly spatial equations.

Genetics and hormones easily account for the upper-body advantage. My own experiences involving police and fire department physical agility tests have reinforced the paradigm that when it comes to core strength as well as lower-body strength, we are about equal.

I also think the perceived advantage with spatial equations is a result of environmental and behavioral influences. After all, if a woman spends most of her life being told how “that” was nine inches despite the fact that it clearly wasn’t, it might get confusing….

Also, another friend of mine once coined the term “Magic Hat” to describe her vagina because it certainly did seem as if it was much larger on the inside than the outside. She was fortunate enough to have plenty of opportunity to prove it to be true….

So much for spatial equations.

Females on the other hand are routinely more robust and healthy at birth than males, and mature more quickly. The sexual superiority of women is inarguable. Now matter how sexually satisfied one man may be capable of rendering a woman, the chances are that two men could have done it better, and she would have been more than capable of thoroughly satisfying both of them.

Not to mention that the vagina in the toughest, strongest, and most resilient organ in the universe. Stretch it, and she begs for more. Pummel and pound it with a penis (or two) until there is not an erg of energy left in your body and she may love you for it if you do it right, but most men will not be lucky enough to stay awake long enough to hear her thank them for it afterwards.

(It’s not our fault…in the days of our progenitors, those sleep-inducing hormones secreted after ejaculation probably allowed the female to escape Homo Erectus’ cave after being dragged there, so as to facilitate the perpetuation of the species.)

Now the tables are turned to where the latter-day cave-man (Homo Moronicus) believes “you don’t pay her to have sex with you…you pay her to leave”.

Man has clearly not evolved as rapidly as the female of the species, and deep within our souls, we know it.

“It can stretch a mile before it will tear an inch” and still snap back like a new rubber band. If men had to birth children, most would die of shock from the pain, and we would have become an extinct species long ago.

Like a Timex watch…they can “take a lickin’ and keep on ticking”…(in more ways than one).

It’s more like a matter of misplaced Envy of something they do not understand, and few men are capable of comprehending anything that can bleed for five days and not die.

Because even the most feminine and “girly” women are so characteristically underestimated and marginalized by most men, “tom-boys” and lesbians intimidate those men in dysfunctional and unhealthy ways that often result in derision and fear.

God bless all women everywhere in all of their magnificent diversity. I still cannot comprehend how they find us attractive at all, or why they are not all lesbians…I know that if I were a woman, I would be.

Balls, the twin symbols of everything masculine, on the other hand are so unnaturally sensitive as to render men vulnerable and fearful. If you were to treat them as roughly as one might a raw egg, even the most virile chest-beating alpha-male can be rendered into a quivering, sobbing mess. Regardless of Achilles’ heel, I can guarantee his balls were even weaker.

In my life, I can only remember less than a half-dozen times when I was fortunate enough to simultaneously bed two women with enough stamina and endurance that they both expressed they had had enough…at least of me, and for the time being.

Most of the rest of the times, I felt more like a novelty or toy shared between them as they pleasured each other in my most grateful presence.

Most men are just not vagina-friendly and don’t understand the difference between liking “pussy” and loving women.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

04/23/2015

 

TTWDWW: Descriptions vs. Specific Words or Sounds

This Thing We Do with Words, a slight return.

Part four

Descriptions vs. Specific Words or Sounds

So it would seem to follow that as tenable as any choice of specific erotic words may be, the real challenge remains to effectively describe something.

By definition, any choice of commonly used words associated with sex are in a sense a cliché compared to original descriptive phrases, but then again there comes the point of convenience overriding originality.

I also like the use of words to create sounds that produce specific gut reactions…not onomatopoeia per se, but rather sounds that trigger feelings.

Like the Sibilance of S’s…(Hiss at a cat, and see what happens). Resonances can be be provocative…hum the letter M in a lover’s ear, and you get my drift. Labio-dental affricatives like F’s and V’s are good, but they pale in comparison to the implied speed and power of Z’s or the inherent mystery of X. (By the way, I drive a Nissan 300ZX…speed, power and mystery….)

The other problem, of course is the repetition…how do you prevent it? There are only so many suitable words.

Take a word like box. To use it to describe a vagina is so lame and déclassé as to make it (I hope) beyond the realm of possibility of ever hearing or reading it in anything erotic (possibly because it reminds me too much of my teenage years in New Jersey, somewhere between Comedy and Tragedy, between Avalon and Philly).

The only conceivable use of Box might be to have it used in dialogue to establish an unsympathetic portrayal of an unlikable character. Most erotica is not complex enough to introduce unlikable characters, in much the same way as they almost never involve average-or-less-sized cocks.

But to use the expression Pandora’s Box as an indirect allegory for instance, to an initial intimate contact fraught with crossing a point of no return that can never be undone imparts dramatic action to simple narrative action.

The word snatch has been done a disservice by its vulgarization and associations with the “type” of people who use it, but if you think about it…as a verb, it means to grab, to catch, or to ensnare, either forcefully or serupticiously…with no implied intent of ever giving it back.

If one catches something there is a more neutral connotation. If you catch a cold, it is a passive act.

I have never heard of “snatch and release”, even among sportsmen, yet “snatch and grab” has the all the allure of crime and danger.

Like Garam Masala, Cayenne, or even Cardamom, each has its own flavor that can either spoil or enhance unless used judiciously.

There is a time and a place for even snatch.

I like snatch.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

04/23/2015

This Thing We Do with Words, a slight return. Criticism

This Thing We Do with Words, a slight return.

Part three

Criticism

Everybody imagines themselves to be a critic, which probably explains why there seem to be a lot more critics than worthwhile writers.

H.L. Mencken once said that it if they took all the broken, mismatched or flawed pieces that were left over from making a writer, and put them together, what you got was a critic. (I am admittedly paraphrasing from memory.)

One of the other things we do with words is ridicule. And criticize, and nothing assures harsh criticism as surely as success.

And regardless of the level of success or recognition of the critic, mean-spirited derision tends to make me suspect that a great deal of personal unhappiness or jealousy on the part of the critic has prompted their words.

I mention this because I recently read a very clever author recommended to me by a friend, whom I expected to thoroughly enjoy, only to find myself as saddened by the bitterness of her criticisms as I was disappointed by her own original works. Not bad…just nothing special, especially for someone with such strong opinions.

The result of those reflections has left me near-mute for almost two weeks, prompting me to re-evaluate my own works, especially in regard to the editing and refining of my second novel.

It seems as if the current straw dog for literature, especially Literotica is Fifty Shades of Grey. Of course it is…the author is now a multi-millionaire while the rest of us aspire to be considered at least worthwhile authors.

Until recently, I never stopped to think about how difficult it is to entice the modern reader to take the time and make the emotional investment to read anything at all, at least for pleasure.

In seeking the attainment of good literature we are talking about creating an almost mystical state of mind invoking the “willing suspension of disbelief”.

This author/critic quoted numerous examples of the bad writing or choices of words by her target (E. L. James). Some of James’ expressions sounded clever enough to me, while quite a few of the critics’ own examples of acceptable alternatives were quite banal. (IMHO).

I went to her website again and read a few more entries. Nothing special. I applied the same negativity and mean-spirited attitude to myself…perhaps she was right…maybe everybody sucks…including her.

E. L. James may be an easy target. You can trash her works with a fair degree of certainty in knowing that no one will spring to her defense and in the process make yourself sound quite clever.

Literary bullies are nothing new…Physician (or critic) heal thyself.

This has everything to do with subjectivity. What I may find engaging and challenging may be excessive or esoteric to someone else. A word that elicits images of salacious desire in one mind may sound vulgar, crude, or inappropriate to the mind of another.

Erotica…good erotica is more difficult in this respect than most other genres because it is so specialized. In order to gain mass appeal, one has to find a universality that transcends the specifics well enough to translate individually to each reader personally.

But to paraphrase, just as you can’t please all the people all of the time, you also can’t seduce all the people all the time. Male or female, some prefer blondes or redheads and fair skin. Others are attracted to rugged good looks, vs. refined features, or dark skin, kind faces, intimidating demeanors, muscular or soft…it goes on forever, but as we all hope, “for every pot, there’s a lid”. (Yet another shop-worn phrase.)

I could feel the self-doubt rising within me again.

Do I wish or need to re-invent myself? Maybe.

I’m still not convinced that I have been completely authentic. I may still be caught up in the neurotic trap of trying to please others instead of satisfying myself. (The same rules for good sex are not necessarily true of creative endeavors.)

When you present your work to the public, it is already finished, unless you do it a chapter at a time on your blog like my last novel, and even then, you still have to stay true to your craft and your vision. As long as you are genuine, if you really believe it to be your best, it really doesn’t matter what other people think.

I would rather have a small following of readers who enjoy my best work, something of which I can be proud, than to make a whore of myself pandering to a public that I do not respect, and does not respect me.

I didn’t start writing to get rich. I write because I have to…because I am compelled to write.

I write for the same reasons an alcoholic drinks.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

04/22/2015

 

This Thing We Do with Words, a slight return, pt. II

This Thing We Do with Words, a slight return, pt. II

My Muses

One of the things we do with words is to inspire. Writers do not live in a vacuum, but no matter what we do within our own lives, nothing beats a different perspective from outside of ourselves to introduce new ideas, questions and influences.

Those people are my muses, my wells of inspiration from which I drink, be it the refreshingly cold, clear water of underground springs fed by mountain streams from far away or warm, mysterious draughts from jungle pools or even hot, flavored waters, exuding enticing perfumes of unknown origins.

Some provide an occasional cautious sip, while others compel me to slake my thirst until it is sated. Some help me clear my mind while others intoxicate me in inexplicable ways like a vampire on a blood-feast, but I have been blessed to be influenced by several for whom I am most grateful.

This post was initially inspired by a discussion of pet words for the genitalia of either sex as well as the associated body parts or functions one might be inclined to use in erotic writings, to which we would aspire to attain the level of Literotica.

Jayne of DiaryIncarnate at WordPress prompted a renewal of the discussion when she recently made reference to what she referred to as a “Dickipedia”. I am a regular visitor to her website and I am quite fond of her poetry, but both her prose and verse frequently give me “paws” to think and reflect upon her eternally questioning mind.

Although we have never met in person, she has a real talent for bringing out both the rogue and the gentleman in me, and I sense that I am not alone in that assessment of her effect on men.

About a year ago, Anastasia, the charming and provocative astraltravler of WordPress and I collaborated on a piece called His Penis, Her Vagina, to address the plethora of synonyms for the two major taxons regarding the plumbing of the sexes, but we quickly realized that many terms, like Meat-Whistle, One-eyed Trouser Snake, Cooter, or Poontang (sometimes hyphenated), are at best considerably more hilarious than erotic, and at worst just plain disgusting. Some were both.

Later collaborations between Anastasia, with my wife (Yen4)Suki and myself have proven much more worthwhile and productive, although we have been a bit pensive about writing about the results…and I don’t know why, because none of us are what one would call shy.

Suki and I had collaborated on a piece that was essentially her story over six months ago, that to date remains unpublished. All I did was help her organize and word the story, as she related her experiences to me, but it is a great piece in more ways than one, especially because it needed so little embellishment or enhancement.

As erotic adventures go, I would wish that all women could experience such a milestone adventure on a milestone birthday.

Her thirtieth was almost as good, but I was there to witness, encourage and participate with her on that occasion.

That’s just the way we roll. I hope she shares it soon.

I must be the luckiest man in the world to be so inspired by these three muses.

One is mine, but she is too precious and free-spirited to hoard or keep to myself. Another is shared and comes and goes like a tropical breeze, the muse of my muse. Only the third is a woman of mystery whom I cannot distinguish from Oasis or Mirage; who comes to me on tiptoes as silent as an assassin to whisper enticing provocations into my ear like a long-lost lover from another lifetime.

Although the initial impetus of this post centered around erotica, it quickly developed a life of its own and ran off the rails onto the much larger tracks leading to the subject of creative expression and inspiration in general.

For that reason, I have decided to publish it in installments.

Namasté

नमस्ते

Chazz Vincent

04/20/2014

 

Know Thyself

Know Thyself

While conducting research for the final editing of my latest novel, I literally stumbled upon a concept that has radically improved my coping mechanisms…something of which I have admittedly been in dire need for a very long time.

I recognize that self-diagnosis is a slippery slope, but after a great deal of inquiry and assessment, I realized that I simply felt better knowing that not only was I not alone, but also that the simple recognition of my condition is in itself instrumental in my own recovery.

Just as it has been said that those who would try to act as their own attorney have a fool for a client, so also it is that those who would attempt to act as their own psychiatrist may by definition have a crazy person as a patient, but it all depends on how much they want to get better because in this case, the physician has to “heal thyself”.

No one can figure it out for you; once you are given the map and the compass, you only have to find yourself.

Recognition provides opportunities for alternate behaviors that target the isolation, and initiate theraputic responses.

For that reason, I am sharing this with my readers. Some of you may benefit from it yourselves; some of you may know someone who will.

Wikipedia describes Depersonalization Disorder (or Syndrome) as:

The core symptom of depersonalization disorder is the subjective experience of “unreality in one’s sense of self”, and as such there are no clinical signs.

(This is probably because DPD victims are taught to cope, to move on and to ignore, mask, or overcome the symptoms. Divorcing oneself from one’s feelings enables a pattern of denial that allows the sufferer to continue to function despite overwhelming toxic stimulae.)

(Please note that I have added emphasis and comments throughout this text. This is typical of one of them. Also, the first time I saw the initialization of the syndrome, it sounded like a term of art from the Kink/Fet community…but that could just be me, I suppose.)

Depersonalization Disorder is frequently described as feeling disconnected from one’s physicality; feeling like one is not completely occupying the body; not feeling in control of one’s speech or physical movements; and feeling detached from one’s own thoughts or emotions; experiencing one’s self and life from a distance; a sense of just going through the motions; feeling as though one is in a dream or movie; and even out-of-body experiences.

People who are diagnosed with depersonalization also experience an almost uncontrollable urge to question and think about the nature of reality and existence as well as other deeply philosophical questions.

(Or is it more a matter of course that people are more prone to experience epiphanies and profound realizations that are triggered by the emotional, physical and sensory overload experienced as a result of Critical Incident Stress?)

(Those who choose to put themselves in harms way as a career often try to divine and attach meaning or purpose on a grand scale as part of the troubleshooting and diagnostic processes of our respective careers and life-long ambitions. This would appear to be an effort to prevent or resolve DPD by Rationalization.)

Individuals who experience depersonalization can feel divorced from their own personal physicality by sensing their body sensations, feelings, emotions and behaviors as not being theirs. This in effect, is the exact opposite of Sentience (as self-awareness).

Also, a recognition of Self breaks down (hence the name). Depersonalization can result in very high anxiety levels, which can intensify these perceptions even further.

A diagnosis is made when the disassociation is persistent and interferes with the social and/or occupational functions necessary for everyday living.

(Oh really? Just how fucked up do you have to be for this to be recognized? …Wouldn’t these people benefit from recognition and help long before it gets to that point? Even when I was that severely disordered, I never even knew that such a diagnosis existed, and the subject certainly never came up during numerous therapy sessions with many different mental healthcare professionals.)

Depersonalization disorder is thought to be caused largely by severe traumatic lifetime events, (such as the death of a spouse, or child, divorce, or other emotional losses involving a loved one), childhood abuse (verbal, emotional and sexual), accidents, natural disasters, war, torture, “…justifiable self-defense with extreme prejudice”, panic attacks and bad drug experiences.

(For many of us, “bad drug experiences” were regarded as failures to assimilate a positive outcome from an extremely challenging situation…after all, no matter what you experience, it all came from within you. You cannot fear the Poison Thought. Embrace it, and you will find meaning.)

Although the disorder is an alteration in the subjective experience of reality, it is not related to psychosis, as sufferers maintain the ability to distinguish between their own internal experiences and the objective reality of the outside world.

During either episodic or continuous depersonalization, sufferers are able to distinguish between reality and fantasy, and their grasp on reality remains stable at all times. (…or at least as much as it ever was…you could be completely delusional, for instance, and be quite stable.)

(For some, Zen meditation can lead to a paradoxical state of mind wherein the connection between the individual and all life, energy and matter is only recognized by detaching oneself from all personal biases and attachments including words themselves. Without a strong sense of Self, this strongly resembles DPD.)

Factors that tend to diminish symptoms are comforting interpersonal interactions (How about Romance?), intense physical or emotional stimulation, (especially sex) and relaxation (afterwards). Distracting oneself (by engaging in conversation, sexual escapades, meditation, or watching a movie for example) may also provide temporary symptomatic relief.

(Which does nothing to cure the condition, whereas “comforting interpersonal interactions” practically is the cure, or at the very least a good indicator of progress.)

Some other factors that are identified as relieving symptom severity are diet and/or exercise as well as psycho-pharmacological agents; while alcohol and fatigue are listed by others as to cause worsening of symptoms.

The exact cause of depersonalization is unknown, although bio-psycho-social correlations and triggers have been identified. Childhood interpersonal trauma – emotional abuse in particular – is a significant predictor of a diagnosis.

The most common immediate precipitators of the disorder are severe stress (either chronic or acute), major depressive disorder and panic; as well as hallucinogen ingestion.

(Personally, I never met a hallucinogen I didn’t like.)

Patients demonstrate abnormal cortisol levels and basal activity. (Frequently, the diurnal circadian rhythms are also disrupted.)

Studies found that patients with DPD could be distinguished from patients with clinical depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, (although the conditions may also exist concommitantly).

It has been thought that depersonalization has been caused by a biological response to dangerous, life-threatening or profoundly tragic situations which causes heightened senses and emotional neutrality.

Depersonalization disorder may be associated with dysregulation of the hypothalamic-adrenal-pituitary disorder, the area of the brain involved in the “fight-(fuck)-or-flight” response.

(I honestly think that is a dangerous combination…it may keep you alive, but it also facilitates detachment from our actions in order to enable us to survive the unthinkable consequences.)

As I read the above description, I realized that it was a condensed synopsis of my life thus far, which for me, meant that I now had an identifiable, recognized series of causative agents to explain a condition that I had not yet discretely identified despite the fact that even my earliest childhood memories are filled with elements of those descriptions.

Until very recently, I believed that my adult experiences, including a twenty-two year career in Emergency Medical Services, five failed marriages, the death of a spouse, and a lifetime of bad choices and dangerous living were all that factored into my condition.

It has only been after careful re-consideration of my childhood and early adult life that I began to recognize how the pre-disposing anticedents of my childhood set the stage for what was to follow; not because I did not have any choice, but because I did not know that I had one.

I now realize that it is long past time to make peace with myself, to forgive myself, and acknowledge the horrors I have either survived or created, congratulate myself for my achievements, and to embrace my life and loves like there is no tomorrow.

Unfortunately, Depersonalization Disorder patients do not process emotionally salient material in the same way as do healthy individuals.

As a result, I have been in denial for so long, that every time I open the door even the tiniest bit, so as to allow my emotions to touch me, to allow even the happiest or subtle moments of joy to be experienced long enough to be felt and savored I am overwhelmed by feelings so strong that they feel as if they will tear me apart as I am swept away…and heroes are not allowed to cry.

This is not a test.

This is not a drill.

This is not a movie.

This is not a dream.

This is real.

Every day is a miracle.

Every day is judgment day.

Be here now.

This is the only life you will ever recognize as yours.

I share these observations and information not to call attention to myself. It is not something most people would be inclined to admit. My own recovery is a work in progress.

If you know an armed services veteran, or a cop, paramedic, or firefighter, doctor or nurse, chances are that some aspect of Depersonalization Disorder/Syndrome either has or will affect them or someone they know or love eventually, depending on whether of not they were pre-disposed to it by early primal life experiences.

Perhaps aspiring heroes are born out of the emotional needs created by dysfunctional or abusive childhoods, further predisposing them to harm from critical incident stress and isolation as adults.

The very same tools that we were taught to use to prevent us from becoming emotionally attached to the critical stress incidents that hurt and damage us as we are thrust into them have the potential to distance us from the rest of the world as well, long after the turmoil is over.

Awareness and recognition are the first steps toward healing.

Namasté

नमस्ते